Bad day

Meh, should've known.

Woke up around 10, got up about 11, checked 2 emails and ended up back in bed - too dizzy to not be.

By 2pm was dying for food but couldn't get anything, visons of my stocked fridge and cupboard were taunting me and there was nothing i could do about it.
Stef cooked me something around 4ish and i'm back on the pc trying to wake up and show willing.
reckon i'll go back to bed shortly, i ache everywhere

pathetic, weak, shaky, dizzy achey mess.
m.e. sux ass!

Today has been a GOOD day.

Hopefully the first of many.

I woke up and managed to get out of bed without having to push myself (which is always a good sign *grin*) I even put in a load of washing and remembered to take my pills (go me!) Sadly I took it a step too far and went shopping.

Bear in mind it's been weeks since I've been in any fit state to go far, let alone carry things. Anyhow, I managed to get to Aldi, got a trolley to lean on even though I wasn't buying much - this proved to be a fatal error because instead of using my Ruksac as a basket like I normally do in there (best way of making sure you don't get too much) I ended up with 2 extra carrier bags, ok so the bags only had bread and pasta in them, it was still more than i've lifted in quite some time, I was absolutely shattered when I got home.
Sat at the bottom of the stairs for a few minutes then forced myself up to get the stuff unpacked before I crashed.

Wasn't out of it for long though *grin* and the rest meant despite an initial lack of enthusiasm, about an hour or so after Stef had gone for drinks with a mutual friend, I went out to meet up with them, It has been a very pleasent evening all told - it was quite pleasent being greeted by name by the landlady even though it's a good 6 months at least since I was last in there, she asked how i'd been/ where i'd been etc and was generally made to feel as though I've never been away *sigh* I miss going out sometimes, today has been ace!

Unfortunately, i'm aching all over and my throat has been killing me all day - but that aside, I think I may actually get some real sleep tonight, hope so - this flat needs a really thorough cleaning and I've earmarked this week to do it!

medical assessment hell

See here for the full story.

I can't believe how down the whole thing has made me, I'm sure I didn't feel this bad last time I had one. Mind you last time I went stef was practically carrying me and I struggled to do the physical things so I doubt they were as sceptical about my claims as the guy was this time.

It just sucks major donkey bollocks.

And.. Calm.

The lovely Kevin from welfare rights was around again today, he's filled in my incapacity forms and helped ease my mind somewhat about the dla medical assessment I have on Tuesday at Albert bridge house.
I've been worried about this because the last time I had a medical assessment they took more money off me - hence my current ridiculously in debt financial state. The thing is - if I were trying it on i'd just shrug my shoulders and get a job, sadly I'm not and I cant so this is almost literally life or death stuff for me (only 'almost' because I'm sure stef wouldn't see me homeless or starving)

You see I always downplay how this affects me mentally because I don't class myself as depressed, yes it gets me down - but the way they use the term 'depressed' makes me think i'm going to have pills forced upon me and I don't want that. i'm not suicidal i'm just frustrated and worried and quite frankly fed up of being left to rot by the medical system.

Here's what I mean by that last remark:
Whilst we were going over my paperwork today we found the last letter I recieved from my 'specialist' at hope hospital, it's dated 24/07/2006
In it Dr Haeney ends the letter by saying:

I will see her, probably, for a final review in 2-3 months time.

It was that 'probably' that tickled Kevin.

It's now 7 months since our last meeting and I've heard nothing from his office. I'm not surprised though, he said himself at our last meeting that there is nothing he can offer me, I've done the CBT and been discharged and I attempted the energy for life program at NMGH which means to all intents and purposes they've exhausted whats on offer in the way of treatment, I'm on my own.

Gotta love 'em. But that's why I haven't bothered pursueing the lack of correspondance, he's already said theres nothing he can do - why waste my tima and his with a trip in there to be told the same thing again? At least he can give his time to people he can help if i'm not sat there asking questions he has no way of answering.

Meh, no matter. I'm expecting to be called for another assessment for my incapacity benefit as soon as they receive my forms so I guess I can just suck it up and pray I get a doc who understands this illness and will judge my case on its own merits instead of lumping me with the blaggers out there.

Oh.. and the ear infection has not gone, it's masquerading as a throat infection - at least thats what I guess is happening with my throat, it aches and feels swollen but for once there's no visible ulceration and as long as I stay hydrated I can swallow without too much discomfort. I will go to the docs about it, but i'll wait til after this medical assessment, you never know - they may spot something and save me a trip.

Tension headaches and vile nastines

Last night, well, most of yesterday, was spent in a miserable heap - I was crying for no reason, my head was pounding - so much so that at some point in the afternoon it developed full blown migraine status and I spent most of the day in bed or lay on the couch.

I'm sick of aching, it used to be that i'd ache when it was hot - now i ache when it's cold, it's like my muscles fuse into place and when I move them the 'crack' is audible.
It sucks major donkey bollocks.
I'm completely back in the unrefreshed sleep camp - probably my own fault since I've not been going to bed until gone 1am, but i'm just lying there for a good hour before I doze off, then i'm skimming sleep all night, constanty waking up and dozing off unable to hit deep sleep.
and I ache. Really ache - everywhere, my back, my arms, my legs, my neck and shoulders..
I'm a 30 year old woman inhabiting he body of a 72 year old.

At least that's how it feels.

I can guess forever as to what's causing this but i'll never be right - I know stress is not helping, I'm worried about money again, i've got to fill in my incapacity benefit forms but as soon as i sit down with them i get panicky and hit meltdown and just go back to bed - i can't keep doing that because they need to be in soon.
Guess I should call welfare rights again.

The thing is, i know about all these new guidelines they have regarding ME/CFS which means that since i'm apparantly a 'moderate' case I may not be eligible for full benefits - i'm barely scraping by now, actually i'm not scraping by, i'd be buggered if it wasn't for my overdraft and that's being slowly eaten away again. I'm just stressed.
life stinks.

pissed off

I stupidly thought I was getting things under control - again!
Why do I never learn? I'm back on the boom and bust routine because it's the only way I get to do things.

On the plus side I think the ear infection's gone - on the downside I've now got a throat infection.
The upswing I thought I was on through mucho water drinkage was obviously that high you get when your body first starts to fight off infection - I should've known, I've been in far too good of a maood the last few days - even despite not sleeping properly.

I'm back to feeling no refreshment from my sleep, needing to have a doze in the day - despite staying in bed til gone 12 most days, I ache everywhere and the wanker downstairs isn't helping matters.
He stopped playing his music around 1.30am and started up again at 5.23am, the guy must be on drugs or something!
I'm only up now because I tried to make an appointment to see my doctor - sadly the best they could do is next monday, she said to ring in tomorrow morning for an emergency one if i needed sooner - I have to get something for my throat - it hurts to swallow and i had trouble breathing last night, 1000mg of paracetamol took the edge off but I'd rather get a spray that targets the area than painfully swallow pills that don't.

is it or isn't it?

After 3 years I still find myself looking at other illnesses and thinking 'it could be that - what if it's that and not cfs - did they test me for that? Was I misdiagnosed?'

It has to say something about this illness that I'd rather have anything else - preferably something treatable.

As it is, I've been looking into the causes of dehydration, and I can't help wondering if the normal diabetes test brings up all the different types - could I be diabetic? all my symptoms seem to be the same as that of a diabetic, could I have been misdiagnosed? please god let me have been misdiagnosed - I could get treatment then and go back to work!
Or could I have some adrenal or glandular problem - or maybe it is because of my teeth? my teeth are terrible, I'm always getting mouth ulcers.. Perhaps its a mineral deficiency..?

The list goes on and I end up feeling like a hypchondriac again, you'd think after three years I'd be resigned to my diagnosis and just getting on with things - not so, every time I go to a dr or a specialist there is a small voice in the back of my head praying to hear the words "Actually miss Stringer, you appear to have [insert virus/ illness here] I don't know how we missed it before but if you start taking these pills you'l be back to normal in no time." It's ridiculous I know, but each time that's what happens and my hopes are dashed because the consultant in question never answers my prayer.

This is an ongoing mental cycle, I start researching some symptom or treatment that has been bothering someone in the support group, I get information overload, start to feel depressed and then try not to think about the illness at all for as long as possible - at that point I usually stop going online as well because I know i'll be emailed about it and I'm avoiding even thinking about it.

That's basically how I get through my life - I just try not to think about the illness. When I do it's in an abstract way, it's not me, it's just something of interest.. Until I start thinking about me and my life and how it affects me then I get depressed and in order to stop feeling depressed I shut off from it all.. and so on.

Recently I've found I can talk about it to people - but then it seems like that's all I talk about, when I realise the direction the conversation has taken I start to try steering it away, but for some reason people then seem more interested and I get in a tizz trying to both explain what it is and what having it means - and simultaneously trying to think of something else to talk about before I reach the point the tears start - and they do, the second I stop managing to fool my brain into thinking this isn't personal I get a wave of emotion and the upset brings about embarrassing emotional outbursts.
Surely there's more to me than this?!

Ah well, I guess I should just prepare for another outburst of depression - it's time to fill in the incapacity benefit forms again - bit hard to ignore something when you have to write about it in detail in order to recieve an income eh?!

Dehydration and cfs

After yesterdays post I left this response on the bury/ bolton support group message board :

It has made me wonder though - i thought the dehydration thing was a symptom.. what if it's actually a contributing factor?
I was just talking to stef about it and he says i'm actually better when i'm drinking loads - I know when I was in Italy I handled everything fine - and we walked for MILES over there! but I was drinking water practically constantly all day every day because of the heat.

I know I was amazed at how well I coped, but I did have a mini relapse when I got back - but by then I'd gone back to my normal 'drink when I notice i'm thristy' routine - which is definitely nowhere near the rda..
It's just, ever since I first got this thing I'm always thirsty - so much so it becomes a background thing that you ignore until you can't anymore - and my lips are constantly dry and flaking, i get mouth ulcers all the time and.. well i'm just dry and run down even without the cfs stuff.

and Louise swiftly responded thusly:

There could be something in what you say as Dr David Bell, chair of the CFS advisory committee in the US, says you can reverse the symptoms of ME, but it only lasts 6 weeks, by giving an ME sufferer saline infusions. Also, there is research saying people with ME have low blood volume and water and salt increase blood volume. Drinking enough water is definitely essential for people with ME considering the research that points that way.

Which then made me want to know more.
This article gives quite a thorough accounting of the ways in which dehydration could be responsible for many of the symptoms of cfs - and I have to agree with it because those symptoms lessoned when I was in Italy and drinking more than my body weight in water - I had no aches and I didn't suffer any more than the people I was with after all that walking.

Now, the website of Dr David s Bell gives an account of the saline infusions Louise mentioned, I know when I was in hospital and they had me on a drip that was simply saline, I felt 'fresher' my lips plumped out a bit and lost the dry flakiness that I always seem to have these days - my eyes also lost the 'gumminess' I always have, even when they're not dry they feel 'tacky' as though they're drying out..

Still, it's unlikely we'll be offered anything like a weekly/ daily saline infusion in the uk so it's pointless going down this road. But I'm still going to try and up my water intake (she says.. )

I've just realised i've not had a drink yet today and it's already 1.20pm I need to set up a reminder system on my phone, if I drink a pint every hour it'll be approaching my italy intake and that's one way of determining the difference.

Isn't that odd..

The times have thoroughly redeemed themselves after most of us wrote in to them about their take on CFS.

It's kinda nice to think that perhaps we did have something to do with that article being written, you never know, maybe we did.

It's funny though, reading the part at the end of the article about a personal experience has led me to realise something.. I too have dry itchy eyes just before a bad bout, I thought it was just that dehydration was a result of the cfs kicking in badly - but I have to wonder.. Do I get a really bad time of it when I'm more dehydrated? is dehydration a cause rather than a symptom? i fely great in Italy, but I was drinking a hell of a lot more water over there than I was here and I was taking an afternoon nap every day..

Who knows? I may have to ask my specialist - assuming I ever get to see him again, I'm thinking of asking my doc if he'll refer me to the clinic all the bury/ bolton lot go to - i'm guessing he won't be able to because of cachement areas etc but it's worth a try..

And a rant

I've already vented my spleen over here
feel free to go and have a looksee and express your disgust alongside mine.

Aaaaaaaaaand.. crash.

Yup, today made up for whatever wakefulness I've had - I got out of bed at some stupid time this morning because I just couldn't get comfortable and gave up lying in bed tossing and turning and slept on the couch, at about 12ish Stef came in and tried to get me to move; wasn't happening.
I finally managed to get up at 3.15pm, had a shower and basically monged about since then - can't wash my hair though *sniff* it's manky as sin but I'm not allowed to get water in my ears and I've not got any cotton wool yet to plug them with - it's driving me nuts!

On the plus side - while I may be physically whacked today, I seem to be mostly there on the mental front.
Makes a nice change lately.

If only the painkillers were working *sniff*

That aside, I need to rest, I've got another band rehearsal tomorrow night that I need to be fit for - it seems we're doing our first gig on march 3rd and so they've upped the tempo on me to 2 a week (and lets face it, we need the rehearsals!)
I'm just a tad worried about how this will affect me though, after just 4 songs last night the shakes kicked in and I ended up sat on a chair for the rest of the practice session - this does not bode well for a kick ass rock show and it really doesn't bode well for the next month or so, I'll pace it of course, but it means instead of losing 2 days to resting for rehearsals I'm now losing 4 so apart from mondays that's my week sewn up (I don't like to go out at weekends if I can help it, I don't handle crowds too well) and then there's the stress of the performance itself..

I get nervous enough about going on stage when I don't have the image of a very public crash at the back of my mind - I'm thinking a few calming techniques are needed before then. That and a back up singer.

To make matters worse, they're talking about buying a new mixer for the band, i hate that I'm not contributing my share - they pay for the rehearsal space and any drinks, I get chauffered to and from the place and now they're buying more equipment. I'm such a scrounger!

And no sign of a response to my DLA claim yet.
*sigh*

I need to start selling things soon, it's my only financial recourse.

catching up

So last night I think i maybe got an hours kip, i'm buzzing like a buzzy thing and having trouble..
doing whatever, can't find the words i need and it's pissing me off.

To pinch a paragraph from my main blog:
someone’s flicked the power switch again and i’m on full pelt, adrenaline overload - my system is buzzing like a buzzy thing and it’s not good - it means either later today or for most of tomorrow I will crash, hopefully not today as I have a doctors appointment at 4.25 and i’d like to make this one - the last one never happened because I couldn’t get out of bed.

There was newspaper snippet passed round the bury/bolton support boards on sunday and a few of us have responded in e-letter form in the vain hope someone takes notice, I won't hold my breath - but it'll be interesting to see if something is said.

I need to try and focus, can't go to the docs like this - how can I tell him what I need to if i can't figure out what it is I need to say? gah! I hate this thing sometimes.. actually I hate this thing all the time, i just try not to think about it as often as possible, that's probably why i'm on 'hyper' it stresses me out - especially with regards finances, I still haven't contacted the social about the amount their raping from me each fortnight, i just can't focus enough to communicate with someone who doesn't know me - i sound like a complete idiot on the phone, maybe i'm more sensitive about it because i used to work in a call center and i know the mindset of the operators, whatever the cause i hate to sound like a tit.

Ear infection? Here, spray this.

I went to see Mr Willatts at the ENT clinic today, apparantly I have an eczma like substance in my ears. I've never had eczma before - what a horrible place to get it.

Anyhow, I've been given a spray to use three times daily and instructions to give my GP a copy of the prescription as I'll need to keep it up for a while *sigh* I wouldn't mind but it smells like photographic developing fluid and it's uncomfortable to say the least, I'm not supposed to get water in my ears and then this spray fills me up and leaks down my neck *shudders* and it sort of burns - not in an uncomfortable way, more like it's stimulating my inner heating system, still, as long as it gets rid eh?!.
*grin* just looked up the active ingredients in the spray - apparantly it's used for difficult ear infections especially in dogs! LOL
That's tickled me that has. Ah well, maybe in my next life I can be a cat or dog - they get better medical care than humans do!

new year, more sleep

On the plus side I've only crashed twice over the Christmas period - on the downside both times were in public.

The first one wasn't so bad, we were in church Christmas morning and I just sat slumped on the pew with Stef holding me up before half carrying me out to the car at the end of the service.
Last night was worse.

I'm not sure what brought it on - I'm only guessing when I blame the speciality tea I was drinking. It felt like I'd had an espresso, the jumpiness, the sensation of something bubbling just under my skin (not a pleasant sensation I assure you) then I crashed totally - it's like when a pc is hit by a power surge, there's a split second of all system functions going nuts then it just shuts off - that was me.
I was the dreaded blue screen of death last night.

It didn't help we were visiting people who lived in a flat at the top of 3-4 flights of stairs, it took 2 people to carry me down them after Stef had put my shoes and coat on, another person trailing behind carrying my belongings, then being stuffed into the car only to repeat the process at the other end.

What makes it worse is that I get so frustrated at not being able to move or help myself that I start crying - then I get embarrassed at being so pitiful and can't stop crying, which makes me feel even more embarrassed.

I've had to cancel going to visit my best friend today because I'm just too wiped out, I've not seen her for months and was really looking forward to catching up and now I can't. I hate this fucking illness.

Here I go again... *cue guitar*

Got up at around 11am after another night of nightmares.. Again I couldn't remember them - it's a crying shame that, it means something is obviously bugging me but I can't think what it is.

Perhaps I'm subconciously stressing about the DLA thing and my financial situation, it is the most likely candidate after all. Or perhaps it's because I'm getting broody again, I'm starting to feel as though my chances of motherhood are fast slipping away, that's the part of me that even thinks I deserve to have kids anyhow (but we wont go there now will we?) Or maybe I'm just worrying about this illness again.

Meh! either way, I'm not sleeping too well and I've given up any pretence at pacing until the holiday madness is over - i'm back on the boom and bust regime, it's not good but it's at least productive (when I'm not bust) sadly it also means my sleep cycle is buggared again - look at the time - proof positive since I should've been in bed at least an hour ago - yet I'm wide awake.

The guys and gals on the support group message boards have been keeping me entertained and mildly disgusted chatting about this
I wouldn't mind but I hate dark chocolate *sigh* why can it never be a nice bar of dairy milk eh?!

I've neglected a specific symptom round up for a while - not good since this blog is supposedly my way of tracking patterns but there ya go - my memory sucks, so here's an up to date 'as of this moment' one:

• Fatigue
• General acheyness
• Intermittant tinnitus
• Intermittant verbal dyslexia
• almost constant dehydration
• intermittant dizziness
• sore throat
• mouth ulcers
• problems with bowel movements (A.G to anyone in the know *blush*)

At least this time depression isn't in there - I'm generally handling things quite well (please disregard the nightmares, I have no control over them)
Actually - I could just be having nightmares because of the idiot downstairs and his 4am Dolly parton parties (they must be parties, why else play her greatest hits at full volume and attempt to sing along at the top of your voice? I wouldn't mind but the guy really can't sing)
At least he seems to have gotten rid of the dog, it's mournful howling all day was a little much on top of his other anti social and inconsiderate behaviour!

Free money

YEY - I got paid!

ok so it was only £13 but it's £13 I didn't have before.
Check it out:

All praise the mighty VegEPA!

I may be in the middle of a relapse, but I'm handling it a hell of a lot better than at any time previously. I think it has a lot to do with the VegEPA supplements.

Since I started taking them my mood swings have leveled off and Stef reckons my cognitive abilities have increased - until I became ill again and fell into this mini hole I hadn't really credited the latter observation, but now I do.
This is why it's easier to bear this time around, I can still think and communicate, I'm not just a worn out vegetable.

Yes, I'm still not at the cognitive level I would class as 'normal' for me, but it's a hell of a lot better than the level I was at when I first started dealing with this 'wasting disease'. I can write a legible sentence, a paragraph doesn't take me an hour to write and I'm not constantly referring back to my well thumbed thesaurus in an attempt to explain what I mean coherently when writing a blog post.

It's good to have the use of your faculties again, even if it's not quite the range of use you may have had previously - but then we all lose a little as we get older don't we? It's the nature of things.

I still prefer communicating via email because I can take my time to figure out what it is I'm trying to say, when I talk on the phone or in person I stumble and get flustered and end up sounding like a moron - which stresses me out; I'm not an idiot, I'm just ill.

I think I know what it's like for the lip reading deaf now - for them a conversation can only take place if they can see the other persons face and if during a chat the other person looks away mid sentence, the deaf person will miss some of what they're saying and possibly lose the context of what's being said - this is how misunderstandings arise.
It's a similar thing for me, only instead of being deaf I have lapses of concentration and when that happens it's as though I've lost sight of their face and miss half of the conversation, it's not that I'm not interested or I'm not listening, it's like I 'forget' to hear them.
When I'm like this it's very tiring to talk to people because I'm having to really work at following what's going on - it also means I'm filling in the gaps myself and so the conversation I remember having sometimes bears no resemblance to the conversation other people think we're having.

It's confusing and frustrating to say the least.
I can handle being tired now, It's taken me three years to stop beating up on myself about it. The aches are back, my throat is an on off hurty thing, but I'm not letting the tears trickle down my cheek as I languish in a pit of self pity, I have my mind and can think of the future.

This is why I've decided to start trying to sell my beaded creations on eBay.
I have problems concentrating on anything for long periods of time - the only thing that absorbs me enough is web design, but since I can't always focus on a computer screen for long periods due to the headaches it engenders, having enough concentration is not really a problem there. It'’s a challenge but I think I can handle it - I just have to try and curb my natural impatience and work within the limitations imposed by my illness.

Here'’s how I'd like it to work:

1. Remodel my site from CSS css and html upwards, make it so that my blog and the cfs site fit into it more naturally
2. Create alternate style sheets (for printing purpos, pda’s etc)
3. Create an image gallery for my beadwork (to link to eBay)
4. sort out a shopping cart and secure payment options (more hosting scripts to play with.. oh joy)
5. Take over the world

Ok, maybe #5 is a little on the overly ambitious side, but it'’d be nice if I could actually garner an income again from something other than benefits. Because of my concentration difficulties and the headaches etc, perhaps web design is another dead end for the moment, but I'm still hopeful that something will come out of this illness apart from a lot of time spent in bed or on the couch.

I hate feeling useless.

This week oive been mostly..

Sleeping.

Yup, the CFS has reared it’s ugly little head and attempted to steal my life again - this time around though I haven’t crumpled into a weeping wreck at the unfairness of it all. Stef took me into town on wednesday so I could meet up with Dawn, he’s a good lad really, there should be more about like him!

I’ve cancelled so many meetups with Dawn through this illness that I’m amazed she still bothers with me so I really didn’t want to miss this one but I just couldn’t face the bus journey - even though I’d been in bed for a good 4 hours in an attempt to gather some energy for the outing. Anyhow, Stef drove me in despite it being 5pm and the journey back was likely to be murder for him, I got there not long after she did and we went in to watch a cracking film.

I definitely recommend ‘The Holiday’ to anyone who likes a film that makes you laugh, cry and wince a little at the outright stupidity of some people..

Anyhow, I made it home and basically collapsed, but it was worth it. I do love a good film, and seeing Dawn is always fun.

I've also decided that I'm going to start beading in earnest and attempt to sell my creations on Ebay. I figure if I can at least make back the amount I spend on making the stuff I'm ahead of the game, at present I make things and then give them away - I can't afford to do that anymore.

I have the webspace, I have the knowledge so there's no reason why I can't take photographs of everything I make and store my 'catalogue' online and allow people to pick and choose what they want from me, I can even make 'em to order should it be required - beading is something I can do when I'm too tired to do anything else and it doesn't matter if I leave mid stitch to crash, I know I can carry on when I wake up.

Speaking of which.. I need to go crash, we're supposed to be going out for a curry with friends tonight, I'd really like to not have to beg off again - it's been so long since I had an opportunity to get dressed up and look a bit more glam than a used up dishrag!

Relapse city, population: ME.

that's right people, I'm dead as a dodo again. no energy, no enthusiasm.. Quite frankly I couldn't care less about anything right now - just as well someone else is coming to sort out my dla and finances or i'd sit in bed and starve (if stef would let me)
speaking of bed..

The exorcist strikes!

I was sat quite happily watching TV on Thursday night when the queasy feelings started, at first I tried to ignore them and concentrate on my program but by 10pm I'd had enough and decided to go to bed and try and sleep it off.
By 10.30 my head was down the toilet as I contemplated the contents of my stomach.

Stef came home at around 11.30ish and soon had me set up in bed with a bucket, a glass of water and a looroll - the bucket was emptied twice and he hasn't stopped commenting since on the radioactive shade of green my stomach lining comes up as.. I was not a healthy bunny.
My temperature must have been off the charts - but I wasn't sweating. I was unable to stop retching even after there was nothing left to produce - it wasn't fun, at a couple of points in the night he asked me to go to the hospital but I knew it'd stop eventually - and I couldn't face the journey there or the wait in A&E once we got there.

Anyhow, by some godforsaken hour of the morning on Friday I finally managed to fall into a fevered doze and hold down a full glass of water.
Sadly when I woke up it was with blocked sinuses, a throat that felt like it'd been scrubbed with a wire brush and just that general all purpose 'man I feel crap' sensation of having the flu.

Since Friday I've alternated between waking and sleeping - light sensitivity and headaches have been the least of my problems, I've practically none stop sneezed (3 rolls of loo paper I've used!) and I swear at some point I must've hacked up a lung.

what's more upsetting is how far back it's knocked me physically - it's pretty much exactly how I felt when I was first off work with 'an unidentifiable malaise' before they diagnosed me with cfs. In the course of 4 days I've gone through the first 3 months of my illness again - and it sucked!

I'm obviously starting to feel better today, I've managed to eat something other than watermelon without feeling even slightly nauseous (touch wood) I can talk coherently and it's not taking me three hours to conjure up a paragraph of writing - you don't know how frustrating that was - especially yesterday when I was venting my frustrations at the governments latest financial set back for me.

I was roused out of bed by the doorbell (or so I thought, just ear the infection ringing again) but when I saw the letter from the dwp I assumed it was informing me I need to re-do my claim soon.
If only!
Imagine my shock as I opened the letter to see the words:

ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF £650.79 THAT MISS VJ STRINGER STILL HAS TO PAY

After the first initial panic cry I sat and thought 'hang on, this could be one of those phone scams..' so I booted up the net and checked out the phone no. Nope, no joke - therefore it had to be a mistake because I have no debts other than my overdraft, I'm very careful to ensure everything is paid up on time and in full - where I'm aware a debt is owed at any rate!

I rang up the 0845 number on the letter and sat in thequeuingg system for about 30 minutes before I got through to a lovely lass called.. um.. Jeanette orJacquelinee - sadly my memory is pants and I neglected to write that down..Oopss..
Anyhow, she managed to tell me (after a little checking back) that the reason they are taking a third of my benefits off me each fortnight is to pay back overpayments over the last 10 years.
That's right TEN years.

From 9/9/1996 - 18/5/1997 they say I owe £575.83
From 18/9/2000 - 9/10/2000 they claim I owe £129.96

Now, Not only do those two sums not add up to the total amount the letter said I owe But how am I supposed to check this is even right? Lets face it, only an idiot would trust the governments record keeping - added to the above example; the time they suspended my benefits until I could prove where the amount from a cheque I deposited into my account came from - it was from them, back dated from their last record keeping error!

To get back to my point though - how on earth could I prove this is a debt I do not owe? For one thing, as far as memory serves, I've never had income support, which what they say the second amount is for - never mind between those dates!
Sadly I've only got my cv as proof of the job I had at the time, I'm not one of those really organised people who keep payslips forever.
I can't even afford to get my statement copies from the bank - even If I could - I don't have the concentration to go through all those transactions looking for some kind of proof they're wrong.
Basically I'm screwed.

I was just about keeping my head above water before - now.. Well, best case scenario is that I only have to pay if for a month or 2 until she can get this form to mapparentlytly the lass I spoke to has to get my file sent to them before they can request a form sent out to me, so it'll be at least 4 weeks before I can even think about receivinging it) once I have this form I'm to ring them and go through all my expenditure and hopefully they'll stop taking a third of my income.
Until then.. Well lets just say I'm glad Stef won't let me starve!

I'm going to have to stop buying in the supplements though - I can't drop my mobile because I'd renewed the contract before this letter came so I'm tied into that for another year.. Basically there's nothing else I can cut out - I was subsisting on the bare minimum anyhow, now my overdraft is the only lifeline I have - and that was already being stretched more than I liked, now I'll get to see the limit with no hope of paying it back *sniff* Me no like this!

I'm going to the doctors on Tuesday ( it was the earliest they could fit me in) so I'll see if he has any suggestions regarding my supplement loss but I can see another rapid loss of all the improvement I made this year - and there's nothing I can do about it!
It makes me so mad..

But what can you do eh?!