Saturday, March 07, 2009

Whatever happened to pacing?

I've not managed to find a rhythm since having Isabella. I got too used to being 'normal' again while pregnant and seem to have forgotten my coping mechanisms for the ME/CFS.

This is not good.

For example, last month I overdid it, really overdid it.

On top of spending practically 8 hours a day solidly working on my coursework then coming home and washing up, seeing to Isabella and being sociable, I also managed 2 consecutive nights out.

This started affecting me and I've been having to lie down for an hour or so in the day again, but did I cut back/ slow down? No.

I continued to stress about assignment deadlines and work solidly whenever I had the chance and we weren't visiting the in-laws.

This is the real reason my last post happened, I'd handle full time care of my daughter just fine - if I cut back on everything else.

I was supposed to go out last night but because I've been having a full on crash at least once a day since last week when I had Izzy to myself. I just didn't want to risk it, I still get upset thinking about the last time I crashed in a nightclub; how an unknown male had his hands all over me and was kissing my neck while I was unable to move or fend for myself - not the most pleasant experience I've ever had!

The problem is, I don't know how to throttle back - I have so much to do and so little time in which to do it:
  • There's my work based learning project; I still have to finish uploading content to the website, create questionnaires for the users and write a report based on the feedback to go into the relevant part of the final report (which I need to have completely finished in 3 weeks time)
  • I have a multimedia project in director to complete - the draft by Tuesday and the complete project by the end of the month
  • A text based game to create in Java, the design has to be done by Wednesday and the actual game programmed and written up - by the end of April
  • I have a HCI project to do - by the end of the month
  • I'm organising a group for the cable project at uni and all of this needs writing up and sorting out by the end of june
  • I'm student rep and am spending a lot of time at meetings at the uni
..and all of this is on top of a home life, I need to spend time with my daughter, we have to take her to visit people, the house needs cleaning, we have to shop/ feed and otherwise get on with things.

is it any wonder the crappy illness has come back and that the menieres disease has kicked in on top?
I'm stressed at the thought of missing deadlines - especially now that I've fallen further behind as I couldn't concentrate on anything last week so no work was done.

My arms feel like lead, I'm forcing myself to get on with stuff even though I know I'm going to suffer for it. I need help! The way things are going it's only a matter of time before i have a full on relapse and end up bedridden again.

But I can't seem to shut off, these things NEED to be done. Stef can't work because he's looking after Izzy, but I don't get DLA so he can't get carers allowance, he can't get JSA because apparently my student loan is enough for us both to live on (um.. hello?! it's a DEBT it's not income, it's fecking disgusting that if we were living apart I'd STILL get the loan but he'd also have an income) and because he's not getting DSA we still have to pay full council tax - despite his having NO income and me being a student.
So because I'm having to use my student loan to house and feed our family I can't afford to get the new laptop I need and I'm having to make the trip to the uni library every other day so I can use the software I can't afford to buy and look at the REFERENCE ONLY books I can't afford to buy which expends more energy that I don't have.

It sucks.

I'm just praying that I will end up with a job that pays enough to make this all worthwhile, and that I have the energy to actually do the job once I get it! it is, the loans which are paying to house and feed us won't be paid off for at least 55 years according to the msn student claculator - and if I have a relapse we are royally screwed as if I can't attend uni I won't get the loans, by the time the benefits orofice get their finger out we'll be homeless as I can't see the landlord waiting 6 months for backdated rent seeing as he didn't want to take on dss tenants in the first place..

Is it any wonder I'm stressed?