Sunday, June 24, 2007

Up in the air

My driving lessons are on hold (again) and I've still to hear anything from the job centre. I missed my medical assessment because I was having a crash day and basically.. I just don't know what to do with myself.

We're at the in-laws this weekend, Stef's helping tile the kitchen floor and I needed to get away from the flat. He's suggested we speak to them about moving in here. On the one hand that would be brilliant, I'd be closer to my best mate and all the online friends I've made on the karaoke forums and twitter, I wouldn't be living above a self centred wanker and I'd have more motivation to get up and push myself to do things. On the other hand, I'm 31 - do I really want to be moving into the house of my partners parents?

It's all moot at present anyhow since the subject has yet to be broached, but if we are going to move to the south, I need to know soon so I can start sorting out things like benefits/ college/ dr etc etc.

I have a new medical assessment next Wednesday so I'll pace myself and ensure I don't have another bed day when it comes around, I don't mind being cacky and mobile but the bed days suck.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Unwell

It's a song by Matchbox 20 and I love it. I liked it even before I came down with the delightful illness I have now, it was the highlight of my nights at the hard rock casino when it came on - I'd suddenly have a lighter step as I continued with my duties singing along to the video.

These days it holds a lot more meaning for me, just read the lyrics and I think you may understand why:

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell


Which is why I'm putting an mp3 of myself singing the karaoke version

right here.

I wonder just how many people with 'hidden disabilities' can relate to this song? Too many I fear.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Shitting myself

..Not literally of course, but in the stomach clenching panic sense I am.

I just had a call from a lady with a very broad Irish accent organising a medical assessment for me. This one is to do with my claim for incapacity benefit. now, I knwo I want to get back to work, but I don't want to get forced back into full time work straight away because I knwo that will just lead to a full on relapse, I'm not prepared to deal with that again, it's taken me years to get to the stage I am now, I refuse to start from scratch and have to be carried to the toilet and forced to feed.

Yup, I'm cacking it. OK, so I know the criteria is slightly different for Incapacity benefit than it is for DLA but logic does not stop the stomach clenching, throat tightening 'oh shit' sensation that has practically paralysed me since I got off the phone.

I'm subsisting financially as it is - and that's with Stef contributing towards bills and things, if i lose this.. I know, I need to think positive and keep my spirits up or else i'll end up back in bed and lose all the ground I've gained this year, but man! I wish I could react better to stress than this.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Save me from the brain leech

I feel totally drained. I mean totally.
The only reason I'm even writing this is because I feel I need to force myself to do something other than crawl back into bed - I can't even get up the urge to do any singing.
I woke up yesterday feeling as though a layer of fog had been peeled away - it's the brightest I'd felt in weeks! Sadly an intensely emotional argument in the afternoon put paid to that. I still have a headache from all that crying and I'm back to feeling totally wiped out again.

I know there's things about the flat that need doing, I know there's things on my pc that need sorting out - I also know I should go and have a shower and get dressed, I just can't bring myself to do any of it.
I'm just so tired! Emotionally, mentally and physically knackered. All I want to do is lie down (despite knowing I can't sleep) just bury my head under the covers and hope the world goes away.
I'm not 'depressed' as such, I'm just past caring, everything is 'too much hassle' 'why bother' 'who cares' 'do it another day'.
I'm kinda numb.

It's not because of the argument - that was resolved quite quickly, though it was incredibly upsetting at the time. I'm just 'meh' and trying hard not to be - hence this digital blathering.

I'm thinking that maybe the mere act of writing all this out will kickstart something in me and I will hit the shower, I will do the washing up, I will sort out my clothes..

Except I just really can't be arsed.
I hurt everywhere and on top of that, even though it's a week early I'm feeling the onset of period pains and as mentioned before, I'm just too tired to care.
I'm hungry, but I just can't face making anything and I've nothing 'snack-y' in (except chocolate and I don't want to eat chocolate) I'm thirsty but I don't want tap water because the chlorine smell knocks me sick and I've run out of bottled water and juice.

gah! it's hopeless, I've just stared at the screen for the past 5 minutes while my mind blanked out. Today is another lost day, I should just face it as such and crawl back into my pit

Monday, June 04, 2007

Mood swings and driving

I was on a bit of a downer this morning when I posted this little whine on my main blog, I've since had my driving lesson and it went pretty well, considering I'm in a new car that has some of the controls in different places and it's been a year since my last lot of lessons - I'm pretty chuffed with how well I've retained the knowledge considering the mental difficulties I have these days. He's just going through the checklist of things they'll look for on my test since he's confident I can actually drive safely.
That nugget of info perked me up no end, it's nice to have confirmation you CAN do something when most of the time you are all to aware of the things you can't do.

I think my ear infection is back so I'm going to have to head to the doctors again, pain in the arse it is, but it's cheaper than going to buy the medication, that's the one bonus of a longterm sickness - no prescription charges!

I'm still sore, I'm still knackerd but at least I'm not crying or wanting to murder anyone at the moment, which makes a pleasant change..