Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Nearly there!

It's been a long and tiring journey but the end is finally in sight! Just 2 weeks of this torture left and I'll have more sleepless nights - but at least I'll be able to sit and lie down comfortably again, I can start taking my medication to ward off the menieres nastiness that's been driving me mad all month and I'll have a baby!

I can't believe it, even now I'm the size of a house and the damned thing is trying to punch a hole through my gut I still catch myself being amazed at the thought of me with a child.

It's hard work though - I’m forced out of bed at stupid o’clock every morning by the demonspawn (after too little sleep) to walk in a figure of eight around the living room for hours rubbing my belly and muttering pleadings to whatever god may be out there to let me get this portion over with, I’ll get maybe 10 minutes ease every now and again by falling on my knees to lean against either the ball or the beanbag for a rest and then the squirming starts and I have to get up (with help, I'm now incapable of reaching a standing position unaided) and walk around some more..

Seriously - it’s killing me!

..and that’s before I even mention the acid! heartburn nothing! I have some really nasty strain of acid that eats its way up my throat and forces itself into my ears, I’ve had more menieres attacks in the last month than throughout the rest of the pregnancy combined because these acid attacks seem to trigger ‘em. I’m relying on mint choc chip ice cream and Gaviscon at night to ensure I get at least an hours kip in before the obligatory toilet visits.

I just keep telling myself that it's not long to go - the leaky nipple thing combined with frequent braxton hicks contractions is evidence of that, as is the way my belly has dropped - that's why I can't sit down anywhere, the weight of my belly crushes my thighs and cuts off circulation, in order to get any rest I have to go lie on my side (for about 30 minutes before having to switch because the kid hates me resting!)

Thank god the CFS has only shown its face a couple of times, it's unpleasent normally but when you're aware of discomfort and can't do a thing about it.. well, here's hoping it stays 'gone' after the birth, I think the menieres is going to be tough enough with a newborn in the house without the extra worry of a crash.

Monday, March 31, 2008

More pregnancy stuff

It's amazing how in just the space of a few months my whole outlook on almost everything has changed.

I've lost interest in practically everything none baby related, my blogs and my website have fallen by the wayside despite the 4 years I've spent building them up, I have a fairly strong readership over on my main blog and my web presence is pretty impressive for a dabbler - but just lately I've given real thought to just ditching it all when my hosting expires. I'm just not that person anymore.

I'm having to force myself to concentrate on college, I just can't garner any enthusiasm for it at present as the goals I had have changed - yes working from home is still an achievable goal but I just can't picture it the way I could before because my head is so full of the realities of childrearing - web design and programming are coming in a very poor second to that image.

Even my views on things have altered. I've been very open on the web up to now and had no problem sharing my life with people, yet suddenly I'm looking at things differently and censoring what I have to say - or just not saying anything at all.
I knew having a child would change things, what I failed to realise was just how much of that change would involve my view of myself.
Perhaps this is what growing up is all about? I'm not sure where this journey will take me but it's obvious now that it's in a different direction than I'd ever really imagined before.

On the physical side of things, I'm definitely on a boom/bust cycle, I'm finding it impossible to pace because I'm having trouble resting; I'm tired and stressed about our current living situation because time is running out on finding somewhere, there's only 4 months to go until I'm due to give birth and I NEED to be settled at least a month before that happens - and my temperature control is even worse than with the ME/CFS. I heat up to the point of passing out, yet if I strip off/ go outside then within the space of minutes I can be shivering again.
Doesn't help that the whole family are out for the count with the flu, I've been avoiding them as much as possible in an attempt to ward it off - flu is not fun at the best of times but while pregnant I can't have decongestants and the like and I'm almost incapable of breathing through my mouth!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Am I the anti-christ?

Went into Hatfield yesterday for an impromptu programming study group (i.e. me and Johnella) got home to find everyone rushing around because we had to go to mass - reconciliation or something (I'm not catholic so it's all a tad confusing) so I wolfed down some tea, got changed and off we went.

I have to say, the church is quite pretty and for a change the mass was a short one, but obviously I had to gee things up a bit.. I only went and fainted! It was so embarrassing - I've had dizzy spells and I'm used to the me/cfs crashes, but I never faint! ..And of course we had to be sat in the second row instead of nice and anonymously at the back! I don't know what caused it, one minute I'm kneeling next to Stef for the prayer and finding it hard to breathe, then I get a sharp pain in my guts, a roaring sensation in my ears and everything fizzles out. So while Stef and his dad are trying to hoist me back up onto the pew, his mum rushes off to get me a glass of water and I'm coming around just as everyone is queueing up for the 'laying on of hands' so I ended up sitting there feeling mortified as every single person in the church is parading past our seats and trying not to make eye contact with anyone - it's bad enough feeling ill without a couple hundred people witnessing it!

Thankfully mass ended not long after that so we escaped, I got home and had to rush to the loo for a bowel explosion (hey, I like to share!) and went straight up to bed feeling awful.
Needless to say, the antenatal yoga this evening has been cancelled and I'm trying to take it easy - Stef and his mum are at the church now putting the finishing touches to the Easter garden and I'm trying to decide whether it's worth calling the Dr's or not. I still feel a bit under the weather, a little nauseous, tired and light headed, but nothing more than I've been feeling on and off since getting pregnant anyhow. I don't think I have a temperature (mental note, get a thermometer) it was just a one off (I hope) my thinking is rather than get all panicky, just see how I go - it could have been the heat, incense, drop in sugar levels - anything. If it happens again then I'll go crying to my doctor.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Pregnancy and CFS

I've been neglecting this blog as my main one has been getting all the love of late, it's where I broke the news of my pregnancy and between it, my college blog and the pregnancy journal I've had little thought to spare for this poor thing.
It seems all I can think of is this little creature to the exclusion of practically all else.

Ok so with the CFS crap I should be used to feeling tired, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just need to sleep.
The menieres thing has been playing up again and I'm constantly just wishing I had somewhere I could go, I can't relax here - I'm too aware of Endora bimbling about downstairs with the expectations of me helping out around the house
I just really wish we had our own place. I'm stressed about everything, home, college, family, the future..
I'm trying REALLY hard not to be because I know stress is really the worst thing for me - it's what keeps exacerbating all my health issues and I'm starting to worry about the effect it may have on the baby (so great.. something ELSE to worry about)

I just wish I could sleep - one night of decent uninterrupted sleep.. That would be bliss.
The thing is, I wake up from dozing because I need the loo - but when I get to the loo I can't even force out a drip. it's frustrating as hell.

Yet despite the lack of sleep, the stress, the cramping and dietary weirdness I think it may be true what they say about pregnancy helping CFS because despite living with the kind of stress that would normally have me bedridden and crying, I'm still able to function.

I'm wondering if it isn't more to do with the folic acid supplements than the pregnancy itself though.. I have a vague recollection of some vitamin shots being offered to some CFS patients in America or Canada and the recipients showed definite signs of improvement - since every woman wanting a healthy baby starts taking a minimum of 400mg of folic acid a day, perhaps that could account for the added resistance to the fatigue..?
Who knows? If I could be bothered I'd google it and check but I'm shattered.

Yup, I'm bloody knackered. But going off the other pregnancy journals I've been reading, that is applicable to every woman partaking in the baby cooking project regardless of health.

I'm just tired, constantly. I think I used up all my excitement the day of the scan because at the moment I don't really feel much of anything - aside from tired and constantly annoyed and wanting to just stay under the covers and shut the world away.

Seriously, I cannot concentrate on college at all - I have assignments due in and instead of working my arse off i'm catching myself thinking 'sod it' and 'what does it matter'.

It's worse than the brain fog you get with CFS - at least with that there is a sense of distance, it's frustrating but at least you can tell it's a physical manifestation because you're not able to take things in. With the pregnancy fog I can take things in but a second later I've forgotten what it was and I'm so distracted it's untrue, I can't focus on anything.. it's hard to really explain the difference between the 2 mind states, I just know that now if a midwife asked me to describe CFS to them I can say "imagine all the mental symptoms of pregnancy combined with the physical symptoms of the flu, add a shot of morphine to the mix and there you have it - instant CFS!"

But i'm still managing to get up and (for the most part) attend class, i'm communicating well and still keeping it together - under these circumstances, prior to the pregnancy, that would have been a miracle.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

What's the point?

I'm fed up (again) all I can hear in my right ear is the muffled boomy sound of my own heartbeat, it feels blocked which in turn is making my throat and nose feel a tad bunged up - even though they aren't.

But it's not that that's making me fed up. No.

I have the place to myself, singsnap has dozens of new songs that I want to try and I can no longer sing for toffee because I can't hear properly - I can't judge the tone or pitch so I sound AWFUL! That and it's actually uncomfortable because when I sing or speak my right ear booms and pops like a speaker with a dodgy cable, it's distressing!

I wouldn't mind but singing is the ONLY truly enjoyable activity I had left. I can't go for long walks anymore, adventure holidays are forever off the list and cycling is also out, martial arts are forbidden and dancing has been lost to me for years. It seems that whatever the CFS/ME hasn't already stolen from me this Menieres disease is claiming instead.

*sniff* even going to the cinema is a bit dicey because the volume levels can be quite painful to me now.

At least I still have my eyesight, if I lost the ability to read as well I'd say just shoot me now.

Lately I've missed several classes due to the dizziness, I've just not been able to get out of bed and I've felt rotten. Headaches have plagued me for weeks and I'm just fed up with everything, I'm listless and have no enthusiasm for anything - I have work that needs doing and instead I'm playing texttwirl on facebook or browsing amazon and the like.

I just don't care anymore. I'm sick of being ill. I'm sick of trying and getting nowhere and I'm just SICK of life.

..Oh and according to the DVLA I'm banned from driving because of the damned thing too.

I just hope that this is all worth it, everything happens for a reason so there must be something good to come out of this - there has to be!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hospitals and college timetables

I've just been to see my first neurologist; a rather pleasent and friendly jewish man who swiftly ruled out any possibility of my having epilepsy *happy dances*

He not only went through my medical history he asked questions about my background and upbringing which seemed a little odd.. He then said that what I was describing was definitely CFS, while he expressed a couple of doubts on my ability to cope with a couple of things he did seem quite.. 'impressed' is the wrong word but it's the only one springing to mind so it'll have to do, he seemed impressed with my progress and how well I am coping in the main.

That gave me a bit of a boost I have to say ;)

Yup, I'm liking the guys they have at Watford general - so far i've been impressed with the friendliness and attention they take of their patients.
When I went to see the ENT guy I was impressed with the efficiency of the department even though I was disappointed to learn there is a 95% chance I do have Meniere's disease - I've been put forward for an MRI but for many reasons the neurologist seems to think it's unlikely I'll be called for it within the next year as they tend to only do them when there is a chance of uncovering something serious - since this is more annoying than serious.. Meh, at least I'm not epileptic eh?!

..and I can DRIVE!!!! That was the best news I've had in WEEKS!

Turns out I made a mistake with my timetable too - I'm not in 4 days a week. Next week I'm in tue/wed/fri then we have a week off for reading (ie they're low on rooms again and exams are taking place) then when we go back I'm in wed/thur/fri which means I have LONG weekends!
Things just keep getting better and better - all I need to cap this mood is the news that we have somewhere to live! While it's good of the in-laws to put us up I'd not imagined we'd still be here now, 5 months is a long time to share living space with people!

Monday, January 21, 2008

pacing and schedules

I've been dealing with dizziness and nausea and intermittent hearing loss/ tinnitus for the last 5 months but relief is at hand! Tomorrow I get poked and prodded by an ENT specialist at Watford general hospital.
Yes, they'll be trying to rule out meniere's disease but either way I'm just hoping they can rid me of the dizzy/sick thing.

Despite regular bouts of fatigue and acheyness plus all of the above I've managed to get consistantly high marks in every module of my course and more impressively on the ME/CFS front - I have an attendance rate of over 94% (i'm so proud! *grin*)

I'm not sure how I'll fare on the new timetable though, before I was in on a mon/wed/friday now I'm in at the crack of dawn on a tuesday for half the day, wednesday afternoon, thursday morning and all day friday.

It may work out better having 2 half days but i've gotten used to my rest days in between classes, guess my pacing schedule is really going to take a beating!