Saturday, February 09, 2008

What's the point?

I'm fed up (again) all I can hear in my right ear is the muffled boomy sound of my own heartbeat, it feels blocked which in turn is making my throat and nose feel a tad bunged up - even though they aren't.

But it's not that that's making me fed up. No.

I have the place to myself, singsnap has dozens of new songs that I want to try and I can no longer sing for toffee because I can't hear properly - I can't judge the tone or pitch so I sound AWFUL! That and it's actually uncomfortable because when I sing or speak my right ear booms and pops like a speaker with a dodgy cable, it's distressing!

I wouldn't mind but singing is the ONLY truly enjoyable activity I had left. I can't go for long walks anymore, adventure holidays are forever off the list and cycling is also out, martial arts are forbidden and dancing has been lost to me for years. It seems that whatever the CFS/ME hasn't already stolen from me this Menieres disease is claiming instead.

*sniff* even going to the cinema is a bit dicey because the volume levels can be quite painful to me now.

At least I still have my eyesight, if I lost the ability to read as well I'd say just shoot me now.

Lately I've missed several classes due to the dizziness, I've just not been able to get out of bed and I've felt rotten. Headaches have plagued me for weeks and I'm just fed up with everything, I'm listless and have no enthusiasm for anything - I have work that needs doing and instead I'm playing texttwirl on facebook or browsing amazon and the like.

I just don't care anymore. I'm sick of being ill. I'm sick of trying and getting nowhere and I'm just SICK of life.

..Oh and according to the DVLA I'm banned from driving because of the damned thing too.

I just hope that this is all worth it, everything happens for a reason so there must be something good to come out of this - there has to be!

1 comment:

Polly Peirce said...

Thank God there's someone else out there who feels the same way as I do!
I was evicted from the Carol Singing Scout Troup for much the same reasons as you described! My once lovely voice has found its own path and seems to have deserted me; leaving me with a computer to play with instead...
I feel a bit better, having read your post. It gets a bit lonely out here on my own and you've just made it a bit easier for me!Thanks

I hope things begin to look up for you soon too...!