Sunday, February 26, 2006

Limbo

I'm back to feeling 'off' again.

I crashed on my first night out in London, I got back from London and spent 2 days in bed. It seems that travelling like that is still out for me *sigh* on the plus side though, I managed the journey itself with no problems and very little anxiety - yey for the return of confidence!

I want to be doing things but I'm afraid of overdoing it - on the one hand I've got every Dr. I see telling me to take things slowly, don't overdo it, leave things if I feel tired etc etc etc
On the other hand I've got the guy I live with, friends and family constantly pushing me to do things - as far as they're concerned I'm so easily tired because I do no excersize, if I excersized more and built up my stamina I'd be back to normal in no time...
I'm caught between the 2. Add that to my fear of a relapse and the complete disappointment and distress I feel on a bad day or after a bad run of days... It's just damned hard.

It probably wouldn't be so bad if I had some kind of guidelines to follow - a set of real instructions from a medical professional that I could point to when I get grief off my family and say "see, I'm doing all I can, lay off"
But I have nothing. I'm on the waiting list for this CBT lass, but so far nothing - I don't even know how far down the list I am or even what it is I think she can do for me. I just have this vague hope at the back of my head that once I see her things will come into focus and I can really start to get on with my life again.
I'm just afraid that it's a misplaced hope.

In the meantime, i do nothing. I go for a walk around the shops, come home and sleep for 4 hours. I go out for the evening - the next day is usually spent in bed or on the couch. I do next to no housework and no cooking because I just don't seem to have the mental concentration required to see a task through to completion.
Lets hope these driving lessons are not a waste of time. At the very least it'll shut up the grumbling about how I should put all this time I have to good use...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

updates and juicing

I'm back to mainlining supplements again, that and muesli for breakfast seem to keep me going.
Apparantly as long as I do nothing other than sit at my pc and take the occasional walk I can stay up and functioning - gives me hope that I'll be fit for a computer course or 2 soon.

I'm managing to hit the sack between midnight and 2am on a regular basis, I'm still up and down a couple of times in the night but at least I'm not having to really force myself to get out of bed even though I'm not actually getting up till around 11am.

We'll see how I manage going to London this weekend. This is the first long trip I've taken alone in a long time, I'll admit to being a little nervous but since I don't have to get off the bus until I reach my destination it doesn't matter if I crash en route. The main concern I have is whether or not I push myself too hard while I'm there, we've got a fair bit planned over 3 days - and that's not including the travelling!

If I get back and I'm still at my current energy level I think I can step things up a notch. My muscles need some kind of excersize and because I'm worried about a relapse they just aren't getting it.
I think I'll start looking into Tai chi, a 15 minute work out of that nature every day should be more than enough to build me up to a decent fitness level again - as time goes on I can just expand the work out and hopefully by this time next year I'll be well enough to take on Wing Chun again - I really miss doing all that!
Perhaps swimming once a week would help - it's just a shame there are no places open at night because if I could go for a swim around 9pm, by midnight I'd be away with the fairies!

Hmmm... Yup - a lottery win should sort that out, home with indoor pool please! (and karaoke basement...)

I'm currently looking out for a decent juicer within my price range - preferably a masticating one as they seem the best to my mind - the more fruits and veg I eat a day the better I feel, I've tried just using my food processor with less than stirling results so £100 doesn't seem such a rip off if it means I can have a 'normal' few weeks through adding these things to my diet - and buying from the greengrocers on the precinct is actually cheaper than the supermarkets - with the added advantage of knowing the stuff is locally produced and probably fresher. I'm turning into a greeny in my old age lol.