Sunday, February 26, 2006

Limbo

I'm back to feeling 'off' again.

I crashed on my first night out in London, I got back from London and spent 2 days in bed. It seems that travelling like that is still out for me *sigh* on the plus side though, I managed the journey itself with no problems and very little anxiety - yey for the return of confidence!

I want to be doing things but I'm afraid of overdoing it - on the one hand I've got every Dr. I see telling me to take things slowly, don't overdo it, leave things if I feel tired etc etc etc
On the other hand I've got the guy I live with, friends and family constantly pushing me to do things - as far as they're concerned I'm so easily tired because I do no excersize, if I excersized more and built up my stamina I'd be back to normal in no time...
I'm caught between the 2. Add that to my fear of a relapse and the complete disappointment and distress I feel on a bad day or after a bad run of days... It's just damned hard.

It probably wouldn't be so bad if I had some kind of guidelines to follow - a set of real instructions from a medical professional that I could point to when I get grief off my family and say "see, I'm doing all I can, lay off"
But I have nothing. I'm on the waiting list for this CBT lass, but so far nothing - I don't even know how far down the list I am or even what it is I think she can do for me. I just have this vague hope at the back of my head that once I see her things will come into focus and I can really start to get on with my life again.
I'm just afraid that it's a misplaced hope.

In the meantime, i do nothing. I go for a walk around the shops, come home and sleep for 4 hours. I go out for the evening - the next day is usually spent in bed or on the couch. I do next to no housework and no cooking because I just don't seem to have the mental concentration required to see a task through to completion.
Lets hope these driving lessons are not a waste of time. At the very least it'll shut up the grumbling about how I should put all this time I have to good use...

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