Friday, September 30, 2005

Personality disorder? Me?

I don't think so.

DisorderRating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Low
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Low

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-- Personality Disorder Info --



I've had a long haul of 'ner' iness. I feel restless but I'm just too whacked to do anything. I'm especially pissed that my sex drive has vanished. Completely.
Yes I've had the odd day or week here and there where I've been too tired or achey to get 'in the mood' and on the odd occasions where that's not a problem I may have been totally wiped out after being 'in the mood' - but this last month or so has been crap.
I just can't get any enthusiasm up at all because I just feel too drained. It's hard to explain to the person you love that it's not them - especially when to their eyes I seem to be handling things better lately, I'm getting up, I'm going out more, I'm cleaning a bit more regularly and I'm definitely eating better.
But I just don't have any 'urges' It's just not natural.
Even when I was feeling really crap before I could still feel horny - even if there was nothing I could do about it, these days...

It's like some switch has been flipped to the 'off' position. I need to do a little re-wiring methinks before it all goes tits up!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Supplements and cabbage stew

That's basically what I'm living on for the next 2 days, that and my chinese tea.

Since moving into the flat I've let my diet slide again, snack food, tea and lots of coffee, not a supplement in sight and a terrible sleeping pattern. Is it any wonder I've reverted back into a big bag of hurty things?
Probably not.

I'm trying to get back into the eating healthy routine I'd started on, fresh foodstuffs, not much caffiene, try to cut out the dairy where possible - which is hard.
I've also discovered that the actimel stuff really has helped with the acid/ wind problem, this in turn is helping me because I can get to sleep now without feeling like I'm gonna chuck.
All in all, as long as I can regulate my diet and avoid overdoing the exercise thing on a good day, I may finally lick this beastie enough to get back to work - or at the very least go and do some form of course/ re-training.
It's just my sleeping habits that are the real problem. I've never been a day person so it's doubly hard getting into a 'normal' routine, maybe if I moved to Australia it'd help *grin* I tend to feel ready for bed between 2-4am and awake and up by around 10-11 (ok, sometimes 12-2) it's not that far out of whack, but enough for various bods to tell me I'm not trying hard enough *sigh* Like they'd know!

Even though I've had this over a year now, I still feel like people think it's all in my head, my gran (bless 'er) has outright said that to me, she just doesn't understand the problem, but then as anyone with this condition knows, few people do.
Lets face it, the only time people really see you is when you are having a good day and can get out - the rest of the time you hide away conserving your energy for those good days.
Kinda sucks great big hairy donkey bollocks.

If I could just get the pain under control I should be able to have a few more good days, to be honest - I don't think I'm that bad with it. I can walk round the precinct most days, get up do 'stuff' I just feel tired. Not the bone weary exhaustion I felt when this first kicked in - which leads me to hope I am getting better, this is just a general 'need to sleep' feeling but I can put it off for longer now.
I'm getting there - slowly.