Monday, October 16, 2006

Relief and resignation

I've been 'off' for the last 2 weeks or so, I've spent more time in bed or on the couch than I have in months, the headaches and muscle/ joint aches have to be felt to be believed. At first I thought it was maybe post-holiday blues, then I thought perhaps it was down to not having enough vegepa, then I just didn't care because I felt crappy and everything hurt.

Well, it turns out I'm not in the throes of a relapse (thank god) I've just had a viral infection.
I went to see my Dr today to check out my ear because for the last 3 weeks at least it's felt like I have water trapped in it and it's been driving me nuts. He had a looksee and said, nope it's incredibly clean - there's just traces of scarring from a viral infection, that should go soon.
He offered me steroids etc to help with the clear up but I declined, it's going all by itself and if I start taking more pills and potions it'll upset what passes for a balance in my system.
Thankfully he agreed that this was probably the best course of action.

It's definitely served as a reminder though, I really don't want a relapse. I'm sick of feeling lazy and useless - I've been getting back to a stage where I can at least do things around the flat, I'd rather not end up back in bed whimpering pitifully because everything hurts and I'm too tired to do anything about it.
I just wish I could tell when I'm ill as opposed to just thinking it's this delightful disease flaring up again - it's like constantly having a mild viral infection sapping your strength, this means when I get an actual virus, I can't tell the difference!
Still, it could've been worse. At least I can still get up and move around even if I feel tired and achey, I might've ended up having a total relapse and needing stef to carry me to and from the bathroom again *shudders* not if there's truly a god I won't!

Friday, October 13, 2006

cancelled talks and oh.. it's been a while.

I went to a talk today at stockport, as I wrote here on my main blog, it made little sense to me, but still remained interesting.

I've reached a plateau, or glass ceiling - whichever term fits.
I can get up and bimble about all day doing not very much of anything, but I still get tired. I can talk fairly rationally to people, i'm accustomed to struggling for words now so I can gloss over those moments almost unoticably and still get my point across. Yet i'm still not at a level acceptable for employment.

It's frustrating. Yes, I guess I have quite a good life all told, I get up when I want (though I do try to keep a schedule, with no incentive to get up it does slip) I do practicaly anything I want - as long as it's cheap (or better yet, free) but the things I REALLY want to do (buy a house, start a family) I can't do because unless I can get back to work it will never be financially possible.

Sure I could have a child now, but it would not be practical, I'd be too tired to deal with a baby, especially when stressed, which living here I would be - a one bedroom flat is no place for a family to live! Swinton itself has become a source of distaste for me, I just cannot wait to move to somewhere I don't have to constantly hear police sirens and abusive language, nor feel the need to use that language myself in order to be understood!
A place where I can go for a walk and not be confronted by gangs of kids, a place where we have space to breathe - and space to live.
I want a garden so we can grow our own herbs and vegetables - most importantly, I just don't want to be here.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

sniffles and feeding

I've been fighting off a cold lately, explains my lack of energy.
Since discovering watermelon I've turned into an addict, not only does it quench my seemingly never ending thirst (for about 15 minutes) but when I eat as much of it as I have been doing, it helps stem the mucal tide, must be all that vitamin C it contains..

I've also been suffering with a dull ache and intermittent pain flare ups in my lower back fillings, my HC1 certificate ran out though and I forgot to chase it up when the guy neglected to send me my application form to renew it *sigh* my own fault.
I need to get that sorted before I can get treatment though, I have no money for anything over my current expenses, christmas is going to be fun - as daddy dearest said just this morning:
"It's only 10 weeks away"

Isn't he lovely? *kill*