Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Still on the so-so...

I seem to be having an on day followed by an off day routine going, well, a half on day that is.

I'm back to being fatigued again, my headaches are back and my diet and routine are already shot to hell - which is probably why I'm feeling so crap I guess.
I know my diet affects the way I manage things but I keep forgetting to eat until I'm suddenly aware of the gnawing pains in my gut signalling an urgent "feed me now or I kill someone" routine.
There seems to be no warning - i'm either not really hungry or I'm in desperate need of food.
weird huh?!

Ah well...
I'm heading into town tomorrow to look into this 'superfood' thing, hopefully I can pick up some pumpkin seeds that haven't been shelled while I'm there.
That and buy a few more bits and pieces at the bead shop...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Pacing? Nah - I'll sleep instead

So much for my up at 9 in bed by midnight routine.
I've spent most of the last few days in bed or on the couch, interspersed with a trip to the shops or a night karaokeing. I'm just too knckered to stick to anything - how can they expect me to pace and still have any kind of life? *sigh* My step mum didn't think much of the CBT thing, she said it sounds like they think it's all in my head.
I know that's not the case, well I think that's not the case, but I hope it helps, I want to start learning web design and I need my mind back if nothing else before I can do that.

Friday, January 06, 2006

A day in the life...

I'm up! My alarm went off at 9 and I actually made it out of bed and into the shower as per timetable.
Ok, There's people out there who'll scoff and say 2Ha! I'd already been at work for 2 hours by then" etc etc etc but I don't care. By 9.45 I was eating my weetabix and sultana mix, drinking my decaf coffee and logging onto my PC.

I am tired, but I'm up and ready to commence pacing myself...
Yeah, right.

What I'm actually planning is to eat my breakfast, clean the kitchen because it's resembling a warzone, go shopping then bead for a couple of hours before heading over to Kay's to get ready for a night of karaoke.

Nice and restful eh?!

I'm beginning to see why Dr. Heaney gave me grief yesterday when I said I was trying to pace myself.
He says I'm doing too much in one go - I need to learn to just do little bits at a time instead of the boom and bust thing I've got going on (I.E. several days of nothing followed by one day of making up for that followed by a few days feeling crap and so on.) I know he's right but it's a difficult cycle to break - especially when me and Stef have started arguing about the fact that I do nothing around the house...
It's frustrating.
I don't want to keep blaming this illness for everything - even though it's the reason I'm the way I am right now.
Hmmm... Perhaps the CBT will help, if nothing else I could always ask to drag him along to a session so he knows I'm not making stuff up - not that I believe he thinks that, but even though he's really trying hard to - he doesn't fully 'get' what this thing is like - no one can unless they've experienced it for themselves.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Immunology and CBT

Saw Dr. Heaney at Hope hospital today, He's the immunologist speacialist there.
To begin with he wasn't best pleased at me transferring from NMGH cfs clinic as that's the recognised facility in the north west, but as I explained to him - Hope is easier for me to get to.

The upshot of it is that I'm being referred to an Ellin? Ellen? Young for cognitive behavioral therapy.
I've never held much truck with psychotherapy and that kind of thing - I can talk about my feelings and what I think they mean with my friends or just write them on my blog. But he says it's not just counselling so I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.
If nothing else it's something else to try.

I also got chastised for 'decieving' myself. I need to keep pacing myself and not doing the 'boom and bust' thing. Which is difficult, I know it pisses Stef off if I don't pull my weight and I hate feeling guilty when he does everything so when I'm well or at least not bed ridden, I try and make up for it.
I don't know how to stop doing this because I don't want to piss him off by just sitting around when I'm having a good day which seems to be what I'm being told I have to do.

Ah well, it'll work itself out - things always do eventually one way or another.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New year, here we go again...

I've cut out alcohol, I've cut out late nights, I'm struggling to at least cut down on sugar and dairy products (though as I'm not a real fan of cheese it's only cream and butter I'm struggling with) I think my immune system is actually better than it's ever been since my bloke is dying of a nasty flu and I'm barely coughing - for the first time in at least 10 years I'm not the first person to catch something!
I think that healthy eating and a decent nights sleep have done wonders for me.
OK, so I still have relapses - but it's all part and parcel of this delightful illness I know and you know that it doesn't change anything except my feelings at the time. Until I'm cured, I'm ill - end of story.
It doesn't mean I have to stop living. I get depressed, fed up and disheartened - but who doesn't?
Life's good.

I'm back to being able to do things again - not much admittedly but at least I'm not bedridden, I've been out to the pub a couple of times with Stef (I don't fancy clubbing though, it'll take a while longer to feel comfortable at the prospect of that again) and the odd restaurant with him and some of our friends, I'm looking forward to this year.