Monday, February 14, 2005

What to do?!

I'm really confused right now.
My Dr has just managed to make me all suspicious of Ben (the lovely acupuncturist I've been recieving treatment from) He didn't come right out and say that he thinks he may be conning me, but he danced around the issue enough that it's put all sorts of thoughts in my head.

Now it could just be a western medical practitioners mistrust of an unknown.
Or not...
His main concern was not that I'd taken it upon myself to seek this kind of treatment, but that the practitioner in question has also supplied me with these pills that he has no knowledge of.
As far as he can see I'm ok to continue taking them - he stated that I would be unlikely to recieve anything that could do me harm.

The thing is, I'm skint - totally. Acupuncture costs a fair bit, the pills are doled out in an amount suitable for only 24 days and they cost quite a bit too (considering my financial situation) So even though the last couple of days I've been feeling much better - it could be attributed to any number of things besides the acupuncture and herbal remedies.

A thing he was quick to point out.

And he's right. I've also been taking the Dothiepin for a month now so that should be kicking in which could be what's helping me sleep. My diet has changed, I've been steering clear of caffiene and dairy products, I've been drinking twice as much water as usual and I've been forcing myself to do things instead of just (literally) taking it lying down.

His suggestion is to keep taking the pills as I've paid for them now, continue the treatment if I want to (he has another patient who has acupuncture via the hospital and it apparantly helps her) but if after 4 or 5 treatments I see no real improvement, stop wasting my money and look at other alternatives.
And if these don't work or I don't buy any more when they run out and Ben starts urging me to try alternative herbal supplements, I'm to inform him straight away.
Which sux.
I came out feeling as though I'm really stupid. Like once again I've allowed someone to take advantage of me. It wasn't just what he said, it was the pity and disgust on his face when I started telling him about the acupuncture and pills.
I hate feeling like a complete idiot.
It feels even worse because I like Ben, he's a really nice guy - except now there's a little voice in the back of my head saying "yup all good salesmen are nice guys, even if they don't have a clue what they're talking about"

I can't help thinking of Polly (AKA Pondscum) lovely guy, heart's in the right place - can sell anything to anyone. He used to work in a computer store - knew less about Pc's then me. His sales record was 100% though.
I used to watch him in amazement - he'd be blagging this poor family and even when they brought it back as unsuitable for their needs - they still asked for him and he'd sell them something else! Usually for twice as much as the first thing.

So you can understand why I'm confused - and a little worried.
I don't want this to be a temporary 'fix' I've had one sleepy fit in 3 days - and that's despite cleaning the house from top to bottom, cooking full meals and taking trips into town, something I've had problems doing for months.
But I also don't want to be dependant on tablets or expensive treatment because I really can't afford it.
Feck it - I'd best get this dinner on the go, my beloved is going to be setting off soon and I want everything to be done when he gets here.
Valentines eh?! Whoda thunk it...

Friday, February 11, 2005

Doing something positive

After a bit of nagging from a certain someone I can see that I've been going about this sleep thing all wrong.
Since the only thing I have any real control over is the time I set my alarm for in a morning, that's what I'm going to do.
Yesterday I was up and feeding at 7.30 (As both mum, Stef, Claire, Am, Sean etc etc ad nauseum, can vouch - I'm soooooooo not a morning person. This is gonna hurt for a while) today I was up at 8, me no likee.
Ben (acupunture guy) has given me some herbal stuff to take (in addition to the Dothiepin, supplements, painkillers and pill I already take) so in total that's 15 different tablets I take every day plus however many painkillers I need that specific day.
Did I mention I hate taking tablets?

I do feel brighter today though so hopefully that means the acupuncture is taking effect - I guess it's too early to tell in reality, but my fingers are crossed and I'm going to head into town with Sean shortly to get some shopping and go see people.

I've had to make an appointment for monday with the Dr. as my sick note ran out yesterday and I hadn't realised till work called asking for the new one, I also recieved my Incapacity and DLA forms (disability living allowance) and I'm trying to get an appointment with the local rep so she can help me fill it out as it's a bit of a bugger. So while nothing of any real interest is happening to me this week, I'm at least doing something.

Saturday, February 05, 2005


I can't think.
I want to blog - I've been sitting here for over 10 minutes staring at the screen, I had a shitload of stuff to rant on - not the least being this BASTARD of a headache that WON'T LEAVE!

Lets just say it's been a bad day.
My mind is all over the place, I've watched the whole of Dark Angel season 2 and most of SG-1 season 3, turned on the tv and watched charmed and Splash! but I'm feeling restless, I'm too whacked to do anything, I hurt and most of all:

I feel like all I've done for the last couple of days is whine about feeling crappy.
I thought acupuncture was supposed to help?!?!

Yes, I feel shitty.

I need to call J back in a bit since I just ended up crying at her down the phone so now she's going to be all concerned - not my plan at all.
I just can't help it - my little moan the other day must have been prophetic - or maybe I just realised subconsciously that all the signs were in place for a bad 'un.
It doesn't help that it's the hormonal week anyway. Even now - all I'm doing is typing and the tears are starting, my throat is closing up etc etc etc

It doesn't matter how I try and tell myself there's nothing wrong with me, I still cry - this is my 3rd attempt at blogging because I get caught in this fucking CRAP self pitying loop.
This is why I originally had a personal blog - so I could spill this kind of verbal excrement where no-one can see.
But you know what?
I don't care anymore.

I've always - my whole life - managed to handle things by shoving it to the back of my mind, it's like I have a dark room in there where I can pack the bad shit up and chuck it down a very deep well.
Just lately it feels like that well has overflowed and all those little packages are coming undone.

I'm having nightmares about shit that happened years ago. I'm crying about crap my EX said or did and that relationship ended over 3 years ago.
I wish I could just blame PMS, that would make things so much simpler.
Most of all I wish it would just stop.

Roll on tomorrow. It'll be better then.

Friday, February 04, 2005

My first acupuncture appointment

Having M.E. sucks great big hairy donkey bollocks!

I do make a conscious effort not to moan about it in general - to anyone. If I'm honest I try really hard not to even think about it.
But I've had a long chat about it today and so many things are buzzing around in my mind I need to put it down somewhere, I've kinda lost track of my blog being that place the last few days - weeks even, I get so engrossed in the lives of others that I've not had to really think about mine, except in a general way.
So today, this is all about me.
I always write on the fly so I hope it doesn't turn too maudlin even if it is a whinge, but this is in lieu of someone being here to talk with about it all.
I can't talk to anyone about it really, I get too upset and give up trying to explain myself - even when I think its important.

Basically this thing has taken over my life. I've gone from being the kind of person who's always on the go and never stops, to being the kind of person who never even gets close to starting.
To be honest I've gotten to the stage of not wanting to do things because I'm afraid of setting it off.
If I have a bad day - it's a really bad day, by not exerting myself in any way I can avoid bad days.

If I feel even the slightest bit tired, I'll just stay sat on my arse doing nothing - not even the dishes. And I hate it. I hate this weak whingy little piece of useless nothing I'm turning into.
It's frustrating, depressing and at times feels completely hopeless - it's even worse after a couple of good days, when I feel positive and do things normally without even thinking about it, if I have a bad day then it sets me right back for weeks mentally.

I don't like to go out alone anymore, it's not so bad going to a place where I'm meeting up with people, but I won't go to town alone. I can't stand crowds anymore, they stress me out - I used to work as a bouncer in a nightclub environment ffs, crowds never bothered me in the slightest...

This whole thing... It's just rotten, I feel like a complete hypochondriac everytime I mention something aching or such and such a thing isn't 'right' because just lately that's everything. I try and act 'normal' but I hurt all over pretty much constantly - it's usually just a dull ache, a nagging pain that I can put to the back of my mind and 'ignore' but sometimes it flares up in 1 or 2 places, on a bad day it flares up everywhere.

When I'm talking to people it's like there's a slight fog between me and them, I get what they're saying and I can act like a rational person, but I'm not 'myself', I know it - but very few people I hang with these days have known me long enough to see the difference.
On a bad day I couldn't hold a conversation with a goldfish.

Aminatta noticed straight away, but she's known me longer than anyone. ugh... The tales that girl could tell...

Basically, it's a memory thing more than anything else, it plays tricks on me - only little things, but they mount up. For example, I'll go to do something like put the dishes away - then instead, stand there staring at them wondering what it was I intended to do.
It's all stupid petty little things like that but it's in every aspect of my life and they're whittling away at my self-confidence, my ability to be me and just get on with things.

Stef actually said the other day that I shouldn't stop doing things because of this, I should do them anyway and if I have a 'sleepy fit' just go with it.

I'd like to do that, I really would.

But I have a real mental block - I'm almost terrified of bringing one on - it's stupid, I agree with what he said 100% but I can't seem to put it into practice. Instead I just shy away from doing anything - including housework, and then hate myself for being a 'lazy cow'.
I'm just glad he's here to push me and 'bully' me into doing constructive stuff, I may complain and act all hard done by - but I do appreciate the fact that he cares enough to do it.

Talking to Ben (the acupuncture guy) today has helped a bit. I feel a little more positive, I don't know if it's because of the session or because I'm finally doing something constructive myself to combat this - either way it's a good thing.
He seems to think I could have had this longer than the 6 months I've been off work with it, my history of giving up on things is an indication apparently, I've always gone through 'phases' of feeling fed up and tired and it takes me forever to shake off an illness.
At those points I've usually just got a new job or left my course or moved house - this time my physical situation became so bad I needed to seek medical help instead of just blaming it on whatever stresses were in my life at the time and trying to change them.
I'm inclined to agree when looking at it from that perspective, makes me sound better anyhow lol

I think if I can do something to remedy my horrendous financial situation I'll feel even more positive - it's just whenever I start talking about this to anyone I can't help thinking about how it's fucked everything up for me and I get all stressed out and depressed.
I had a large sum in savings and was looking forward to finally buying a place of my own that no bastard ex could take off me, I had a pretty good income, no overdraft and the only debt was one loan - of under £1000.
Now, within just 6 months, I have NO savings and I'm constantly worried I'm going to go past my overdraft limit of £1000 through the financial commitments I made within my previous income - this was especially true when I was trying to sort out housing benefit and the landlord put the rent up... It just sux.

Basically, I came out of the clinic feeling positive and slightly more awake than when I'd gone in, after the horrendous journey home (Swinton to Newton Heath is a pisser of a journey on public transport) I felt like a wrung out dishcloth and more depressed than ever because my house is a shit tip.

I'm now going to have a Dark angel and SG-1 marathon followed by a hot bath and a decent tea.
That should kick the self-pity back into touch, I may even attempt to do some cleaning then - but I doubt it.
Maybe tomorrow...