Saturday, February 05, 2005

Gah!

I can't think.
I want to blog - I've been sitting here for over 10 minutes staring at the screen, I had a shitload of stuff to rant on - not the least being this BASTARD of a headache that WON'T LEAVE!

Lets just say it's been a bad day.
My mind is all over the place, I've watched the whole of Dark Angel season 2 and most of SG-1 season 3, turned on the tv and watched charmed and Splash! but I'm feeling restless, I'm too whacked to do anything, I hurt and most of all:
I HATE THIS!

I feel like all I've done for the last couple of days is whine about feeling crappy.
I thought acupuncture was supposed to help?!?!

Yes, I feel shitty.
Again.

I need to call J back in a bit since I just ended up crying at her down the phone so now she's going to be all concerned - not my plan at all.
I just can't help it - my little moan the other day must have been prophetic - or maybe I just realised subconsciously that all the signs were in place for a bad 'un.
It doesn't help that it's the hormonal week anyway. Even now - all I'm doing is typing and the tears are starting, my throat is closing up etc etc etc

It doesn't matter how I try and tell myself there's nothing wrong with me, I still cry - this is my 3rd attempt at blogging because I get caught in this fucking CRAP self pitying loop.
This is why I originally had a personal blog - so I could spill this kind of verbal excrement where no-one can see.
But you know what?
I don't care anymore.

I've always - my whole life - managed to handle things by shoving it to the back of my mind, it's like I have a dark room in there where I can pack the bad shit up and chuck it down a very deep well.
Just lately it feels like that well has overflowed and all those little packages are coming undone.

I'm having nightmares about shit that happened years ago. I'm crying about crap my EX said or did and that relationship ended over 3 years ago.
I wish I could just blame PMS, that would make things so much simpler.
Most of all I wish it would just stop.

Roll on tomorrow. It'll be better then.

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