Thursday, July 25, 2013

Catching up again

Just a quick glance through the last load of moaning shows that I've missed out a fair bit in my journal of late. We managed to get elf into our first choice of school (yes she starts school in September, it goes quick) 2 days later we were handed a section 21.
For those of you unfamiliar with it, that's a notice to quit as the landlord requires the property back. I immediately contacted the housing team who said that if we wished to be re-housed by the council we had to basically squat past the move out date until they'd received a court order to remove us and then we could be placed in a hostel.

Joy. Because having that on my record will make getting a private landlord easy.
So, on top of trying to get my lesson prep, marking and general job stuff out of the way I was also trying to sort out where the hell we were going to live because moving back in with the in-laws was out of the question. THEN, the same week I was told that we had to leave our home I received a letter stating that all benefits had been stopped and I owed over £5000 in over payments since January last year.

The fact that all of this stress didn't kill me, that I have managed to sort it out AND move somewhere (not ideal and it's completely wiped out all of my savings) but I've had minimal CFS issues (well 14 crash days in the past 3 months isn't minimal but I'm still functioning which with that amount of stress is nothing short of a miracle) so fingers crossed I can take on some more hours come September (assuming they're available) and actually do more than subsist because working stupid hours and having every penny sucked into rent and food and bills is no way to live.
I don't drink, smoke or go out partying and even the lowest paid folks manage that at least once a month so I'd like to have a little to put aside to build up my savings again - I hate not having that padding because if after the 6 months tenancy agreement is up the new landlord wants the rent shortfall in advance again we're screwed. Not that I'm stressing about it or anything...

Lost Aims

When I was in senior school the local library had a careers machine installed that allowed you to see what would be the best path to take based upon your interests; I found that commissioning editor for a publishing firm would be my ideal choice, I'd probably still love to do that kind of job; what saddens me is all the years I wasted getting by day to day without thinking I could actually do that kind of work - I assumed that all I could ever do was shop work or low paid unskilled work because that was all i'd ever experienced, no-one in my immediate network had achieved higher than deputy manager in a shop and at home I was always belittled when discussing possible ideas for the future. I had no support either mentally or financially and until the internet opened my eyes to a new way of looking at the world and a new way of communicating with people I stayed in that little bubble. Sadly I only embraced the internet when I had no other choice and for that I have to thank the ME/CFS because without it I'd not be earning the highest hourly wage I've ever experienced in my life. Yet even now I don't value myself enough to expect a high wage.

I have had many people in the past few years credit me with intelligence and an ability to get things done - a 'can-do attitude' as one person in particular labelled it, yet I still feel as though I'm a total failure, I've started too late to get things together and I think that will be my deepest regret; I wasted my useful years and now that illness has me limited physically I'll never reach the potential that even I can finally see is within me.

I wonder how many of my students are burdened with the same view of self..? Far too many I would wager, my only hope as a teacher is that I can help them see beyond the day to day and know the importance of not wasting the years that they have before them the way I did. The tough thing will be to do so without both over sharing and preaching. Wish me luck.