Thursday, July 25, 2013

Lost Aims

When I was in senior school the local library had a careers machine installed that allowed you to see what would be the best path to take based upon your interests; I found that commissioning editor for a publishing firm would be my ideal choice, I'd probably still love to do that kind of job; what saddens me is all the years I wasted getting by day to day without thinking I could actually do that kind of work - I assumed that all I could ever do was shop work or low paid unskilled work because that was all i'd ever experienced, no-one in my immediate network had achieved higher than deputy manager in a shop and at home I was always belittled when discussing possible ideas for the future. I had no support either mentally or financially and until the internet opened my eyes to a new way of looking at the world and a new way of communicating with people I stayed in that little bubble. Sadly I only embraced the internet when I had no other choice and for that I have to thank the ME/CFS because without it I'd not be earning the highest hourly wage I've ever experienced in my life. Yet even now I don't value myself enough to expect a high wage.

I have had many people in the past few years credit me with intelligence and an ability to get things done - a 'can-do attitude' as one person in particular labelled it, yet I still feel as though I'm a total failure, I've started too late to get things together and I think that will be my deepest regret; I wasted my useful years and now that illness has me limited physically I'll never reach the potential that even I can finally see is within me.

I wonder how many of my students are burdened with the same view of self..? Far too many I would wager, my only hope as a teacher is that I can help them see beyond the day to day and know the importance of not wasting the years that they have before them the way I did. The tough thing will be to do so without both over sharing and preaching. Wish me luck.

No comments: