Thursday, December 06, 2007

Smug and fed up - now there's a combination.

On the one hand I've just received my programming marks from college - I'm looking at a top end B or a low A for that module, the same can be said of Maximizing potential and I'm pretty certain computer based systems falls into the same region, it's only databasing that's worrying me.

The reason I'm smug is that I've managed these marks and at least an 80% attendance record despite feeling like utter shit.

That's right, crap kaka, doo doo shit.

My ears are driving me nuts, I'm not sleeping properly and on top of that I have this damned nausea and dizziness to contend with.

The ME/CFS stuff is feeling the way it did when I first came down with it, only I know better now so I'm managing it a lot better.

When I first became ill I spent most of my time in bed, a crash scared me so much that I'd revert to doing absolutely nothing for fear of bringing on another one - that and my feeding habits were atrocious, I was living on takeaways and ready meals because I didn't have the energy to cook or shop.
Now I'm fed homegrown wholesome food on a regular basis, I make myself get up as soon as I'm able and I don't shy from exercise, I just try to balance it more.

What's pissing me off is that I'd reached the stage of managing it so well I was leading a pretty good life, now this has kicked in; when I'm not at college I'm heading home to crash, I feel slightly sick all the time and if it's not tinnitus giving me grief it's the physical assault of people talking.
I'm just sick of being sick.

I know everything happens for a reason, I just wish I knew what the reason for this was so I could handle it with better grace.

I also can't start driving lessons again because of it - which has sparked my paranoia, something REALLY doesn't want me on the road!

For years it was financial difficulties that prevented me from having lessons and taking my test, when I finally decided that was a rubbish reason and ploughed ahead with motorbike lessons and passed my CBT; 3 weeks before my test date I crashed and ended up on crutches, 2 years of physio later, finances again dictated a wait and then I became ill with ME/CFS.
After a couple of years of nastiness with that, I felt well enough to try again and got a peri-anal abscess and had to have surgery on my backside (so definitely no driving if you can't sit down) That brought about an ME relapse, then I got an ear infection that brought about another relapse and.. oh look! I'm just getting well enough and financially stable enough to try again and I'm struck down with a possible ear disease that will render me permanently unfit to drive.

Joy.

I'm doomed to relying on public transport (which makes me ill) and the good will of others to get anywhere. *sigh* so much for independence!

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