Monday, August 17, 2009

Am I unemployable?

I'd forgotten just how horrible a full on relapse is.

The fizzing sensation in your limbs, the terrible heaviness of everything, the aches.. it's an act of will to even type as all my hands want to do is give in to the pull of gravity - no wonder we're so frikken tired all the time, we're constantly fighting to move; every action is conscious.

..by that I mean normally when you want to pick something up you just go to do it but when everything is this hard it's like you..

imagine an action is a calculation; lift arm + open hand + guage distance + use correct force = object lifted.

Normally that calculation will occur without you even realising it, but right now I'm still computing the steps needed to complete the action as i'm taking them.

It's like i'm an overheating computer with a broken fan that has too many processes running in the background; i'm on a go-slow and things are starting to malfunction.

bah! i doubt i'm making much sense.

Lets just say i'm starting to really worry about my ability to successfully complete my degree next year; never mind my job prospects afterwards! who in hell will employ someone that will have to take days off because they physically can't get out of bed? who could 'crash' at work and will need to lie down, unable to communicate in more than grunts and will need carrying to a car to go home?

Working from home is my only real option. But will it pay enough? and to do that I'd need to move somewhere that we had an extra room so I could work undisturbed - how can we afford that? we can only just afford this place.

*sigh* I'm beginning to wonder why i'm bothering with this degree. I'm going to be stuck in the me/cfs trap forever. Please god let them find a cure!

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