Saturday, October 20, 2012

Fed up.

I had to miss my first class due to the ME/CFS on Friday. I guess I knew it was coming, the Menieres has been slowly getting worse and I've had to up my meds for that to 6 a day instead of 3 in an effort to combat the nausea and dizzies and I'm finding a few things a tad difficult on the brain fog front by the end of the week because one illness always kick starts the other - they're nice like that...

The last couple of weeks I get to Friday afternoon and the work based learning class and my brain is practically mush; I'm so tired that I get through it (just about) and I'm on the bus home and in bed already praying for the following weekend. I definitely work better in a 1-2-1 situation than in front of a group when I'm like that; less stimuli to process makes it much easier to function.

It wouldn't be so bad but one of my modules is turning out to be rather stressful - every time it seems the issues are ironed out someone throws some kindling back on the fire and we're just fighting a rearguard action and never getting ahead - that on top of the ongoing 'landlord selling our flat' saga is doing my head in.

I've been sat in a puddle of misery and dread since Friday morning when I realised I couldn't move or speak and I was supposed to be taking Bella to nursery and getting the bus to work. I finally managed to move but it was a full on crash - just rolling over in bed took 10 minutes to recover from and it was a good 30 minutes from finally being able to sit up that I eventually managed to communicate in more than grunts.

I immediately called work to tell them I wouldn't be able to make it in before the ability to communicate left me again and (of course) ended up balling my eyes out in misery and frustration when Donna was nice to me because I couldn't even get the words out necessary to explain properly - this bloody aphasia sucks great fat donkey bollocks! I'm just lucky that I've had a conversation with her about how the crappy illness affects me and she could read between the lines (and my hateful sobbing) to finish my sentences for me. I must have sounded like a complete moron stuttering and grasping at words between sniffles.

I honestly think I'd still have been OK again this week if it hadn't been for the assignment feck up with the 1st years module. Instead of having Wednesday off I was panicking about a class on Thursday that should already have been sorted; going over and over my options regarding the lesson plan and trying to ensure I'd covered everything - then to top it off I had an email from 2 people about 2 websites I'm supposed to be helping with which just added to the stress head I was building over falling behind.

I really don't want to lose another module this semester, if I can just make it through until semester B I'll ensure I only accept at the most 2 modules and as I won't have the website stuff to worry about then things (should) be peachy. I knew it would be a slow process figuring out my limits but I didn't realise just how shitty doing so would make me feel.

I'm back to feeling useless again. I know how overworked all the staff are in there, I know that my issues are likely to be adding stress to at least 2 other people and I hate being that person, I hate causing problems - I'm supposed to be the person who fixes things and makes it all better not the one adding roadblocks!

Meh, self pity will get me nowhere. Time to suck it up and crack on.

I'll get the LUF site out of the way tomorrow and do my Tuesday lesson plan. Stef will just have to do everything for the kids Halloween party on Monday while I recuperate and think of some way to make it up to him and then if I can just get through next week I'll be able to get the vegepa site up and running for Lynne next weekend THEN I can just concentrate on the marking I'll have coming in without the stress of those 2 unfinished jobs at the back of my mind.

The housing situation... well, there's nothing I can do to alleviate the worry of possible homelessness is there? Our situation will not magically change and I have to just live with complete strangers tramping through our home and the uncertainty of whether we will be given a months notice or a rent increase with each visitation.

Sucks to be me right now. I just hope the work stuff levels off so I can concentrate on actually teaching, right now I feel a bit of a fraud as I'm barely catching breath between classes to refresh my knowledge on the things I'm supposed to be teaching before the next email of doom comes through ripping apart all my carefully laid plans...

Next year will be better - everyone says the 1st year of teaching is the worst so if I can weather this with all my health crap I'll be bloody awesome next year when I know what I'm doing and exactly what's expected from me. Especially if I can use the summer to create some E-learning resources to help bolster the days I feel like this...

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