Sunday, October 02, 2005

Bullet in the head...

I realised tonight that I need to see my Dr again.
Comments have been made for a while about my narkiness but I've just shrugged it off as unfunny pisstaking, until tonight.
We had a great time, the pub was buzzing - I wasn't drinking so I can't blame alcohol for the sudden burst of irrational rage that made me want to grab somebodys face and ram it full force through the table - it wasn't even directed at anyone in particular, I just wanted to hurt someone.
The intensity of it was quite shocking - especially since only a few minutes, seconds even, previously I'd been laughing my nuts off at some guy on the karaoke.

I figure the narkiness and lack of sex drive has been going on for at least a couple of months - maybe longer. I just don't know if it's a new and unwelcome slant to this frikken illness or if maybe I need to change my pill.
I hope it's something as simple as the latter but either way, it's worrying.
I don't want to be the nasty narky bitch I've been recently, *grin* maybe if I can get my sex drive back I'll stop being so narky...
It's not so bad when I can catch myself being unreasonably nasty - at least I can apologise, sadly I don't think I catch it often enough. It just worried me tonight because the rage thing is a step up.
I never lose my temper - not completely, not anymore.
I only lost it properly once - I was just a kid but that episode scared me enough that I've never allowed myself to lose it again. I came very close tonight though, what's scariest is it was totally unprovoked and completely irrational. I had to go lock myself in the toilets so I wouldn't start anything till I calmed down - if someone had tried speaking to me at that moment I'd just have kicked off.

I wouldn't mind but I've been really tired on and off today - even had a mini sleepy fit in the pub when we first got settled in. Thursday and friday were basically complete washouts - on Friday I had a bad one, Stef had to carry me back to bed because I was immobile - I hate when that happens, I'm not asleep but I appear to be and it's frustrating.
I have noticed though that usually outright irritability/ resentment gives me more energy to do things (assuming I've not been rendered immobile by whatever quirky crapness has invaded my body) I think Stef has noticed too and that's why he winds me up so much on purpose, it's just starting to get a little out of hand though - I flare up at the slightest thing, take criticism (badly) where none's intended and it's losing the energising effect.
I need help.

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