Sunday, August 27, 2006

Stress? nah.. I can handle anything me.

..Or not.

I can get myself into daft situations but just lately I've done some things that, as my best mate said, are totally out of character for me.
Dumb, stupid things that have the usual consequences dumb stupid things do.
This has resulted in me feeling incredibly crap mentally - and a knock on effect of physical nastiness kicking in too.
I've spent the last few days battling fierce headaches and odd stomach mutterings - not to mention the usual cfs aches, today it all came to a head with a complete inability to get out of bed due to dizzyness for a good 4 hours or so. I managed to move to the living room and basically mainlined water, fruit and crackers all day, that and painkillers.
I'm hoping it's the worst and tomorrow I start getting back to what passes for normal these days, the dizzyness is the worst thing to deal with and I'm so glad it's rare it happens.

Guess I should just be more careful and actually try and think through my actions and what I say instead of going with the thoughtless impulse.
I just wish I was fit enough to work, it gets very frustrating having no answer for the in-laws when they tell me I should be getting a job and not working for free.
I wouldn't mind if I could call my feeble attempts at web design work, but it takes me weeks to do what would have once taken me days - mainly because I'm easily distracted and too tired to concentrate on any one thing for long, I make silly mistakes which you cannot get away with when dealing with code..
It's just really getting to me!

Having work comments made by his family members makes me feel as though they think I'm living off him.
I'm not, I may not have seen a credit balance in my account for the last 3 years but my overdraft takes care of everything and I don't ask him for a thing! I don't ask anybody, I never have.

I'm just sick of it - the fact that I would own my own home by now if it were not for this illness just makes it worse, I was all set to have a mortgage when this kicked in, it scuppered all my financial plans and I just can't see an end in sight to that.
Even if I go the permitted work route it means I lose my housing benefits which would leave me even worse off than I am now once you figure in the food and travel costs a job would entail - not to mention the overriding fear I have of a relapse, I just can't shake that fear, it colours everything.


At least financial troubles are normal, everyone has 'em and they pass.. Eventually.
I'll have an income again one day - and it won't have the word 'benefit' attached to it!

No comments: