Friday, February 02, 2007

is it or isn't it?

After 3 years I still find myself looking at other illnesses and thinking 'it could be that - what if it's that and not cfs - did they test me for that? Was I misdiagnosed?'

It has to say something about this illness that I'd rather have anything else - preferably something treatable.

As it is, I've been looking into the causes of dehydration, and I can't help wondering if the normal diabetes test brings up all the different types - could I be diabetic? all my symptoms seem to be the same as that of a diabetic, could I have been misdiagnosed? please god let me have been misdiagnosed - I could get treatment then and go back to work!
Or could I have some adrenal or glandular problem - or maybe it is because of my teeth? my teeth are terrible, I'm always getting mouth ulcers.. Perhaps its a mineral deficiency..?

The list goes on and I end up feeling like a hypchondriac again, you'd think after three years I'd be resigned to my diagnosis and just getting on with things - not so, every time I go to a dr or a specialist there is a small voice in the back of my head praying to hear the words "Actually miss Stringer, you appear to have [insert virus/ illness here] I don't know how we missed it before but if you start taking these pills you'l be back to normal in no time." It's ridiculous I know, but each time that's what happens and my hopes are dashed because the consultant in question never answers my prayer.

This is an ongoing mental cycle, I start researching some symptom or treatment that has been bothering someone in the support group, I get information overload, start to feel depressed and then try not to think about the illness at all for as long as possible - at that point I usually stop going online as well because I know i'll be emailed about it and I'm avoiding even thinking about it.

That's basically how I get through my life - I just try not to think about the illness. When I do it's in an abstract way, it's not me, it's just something of interest.. Until I start thinking about me and my life and how it affects me then I get depressed and in order to stop feeling depressed I shut off from it all.. and so on.

Recently I've found I can talk about it to people - but then it seems like that's all I talk about, when I realise the direction the conversation has taken I start to try steering it away, but for some reason people then seem more interested and I get in a tizz trying to both explain what it is and what having it means - and simultaneously trying to think of something else to talk about before I reach the point the tears start - and they do, the second I stop managing to fool my brain into thinking this isn't personal I get a wave of emotion and the upset brings about embarrassing emotional outbursts.
Surely there's more to me than this?!

Ah well, I guess I should just prepare for another outburst of depression - it's time to fill in the incapacity benefit forms again - bit hard to ignore something when you have to write about it in detail in order to recieve an income eh?!

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