Sunday, December 11, 2011

moving past pessimism - sort of..

I've decided to ignore any fears regarding the ESA appointment and focus on the hope that they can help me find a job that works around being ill. I figure if I can get into a routine it will help me get back into pacing, having a provable income means I can start looking for somewhere more suitable for us to live without worrying who I can ask to be my guarantor (letting agents don't seem to like folk on benefits down here - even though that's a more reliable income than wages these days!)

I can also use whatever job they 'force' me into as a way of proving (both to myself and future employers) that I'm a good bet; one day I hope to get something that relates both to my degree and the experience I've built up in e-learning and blended learning theory, techniques and applications (software and web applications that is) and help make a difference in the way knowledge is passed on.

I've accepted that learning to drive is not on my list of future activities: even if I did we couldn't afford insurance for both of us on one car never mind running 2 cars. So bus travel is inevitable unless all my campaigning and volunteering pays off and I can get work at the uni - ideal as it's only a 10 minute walk!

But by god doing the ATOS medical assessment form is depressing!

Reading it back to myself  I'll be surprised if they consider me fit to breathe never mind work!..and that's with just the main crap I deal with written down - not the little things, just the big 3: fatigue, brain fog and pain. The thing is - yes, I know there is an average of 11 days a month where I can't work because I'm neither use nor ornament; but the other 19-20 days I can do a lot if it's computer based work; I figure I can easily do 12 hrs a week (3-4hrs a day so long as the days are spaced a day apart ie mon/wed) assuming I need to travel the national average of 40mins each way, if I can work from home I can up that to 5, maybe even 7 hours a day (depending on the work, though at my present levels 7 hours is definitely pushing it)

You see, I am organised; so long as I know what is expected of me and I can work around my illness to my own schedule I can get things done - in some cases more efficiently than a 'normal' person. Unless of course I am just fooling myself there in an attempt to think positive,,? NO, aaaarrgh! say it isn't so!


So despite the depressing picture being painted in my assessment form I'm hoping at the physical assessment they'll say "cool! go here and we'll find you a job as a virtual worker" even if it's boring monkey brain data entry I don't care so long as the pay is comparable to my current income and it means I can actually better our family situation - after all, when working I'll be useless at home for anything else so why give up quality of life to be worse off..?

..though I'd much rather they helped me find funding to do a masters/ Phd so I could try trolling for work at the UoH as a visiting lecturer in the computer science department for one or 2 modules.. £45ph? Yes please! And I have so many ideas on ways to present the material to make it less hard on me and more engaging for the students.. Ahh.. If wishes were horses *sigh*


Ronnie said...

Just wanted to wish you all the bless with your ESA appointment. Can be a concerning time but good to hear you sounding fairly positive about things. That is not always easy with this diagnosis is it? Enjoy reading your posts...

Vics said...

Cheers Ronnie, tbh I'm not sure what I'm hoping for with them, just the best I guess *grin* that elusive dream job with part time hours and full time pay..