Tuesday, December 06, 2011

So much for that idea..

I did make a start, I have a wordpress installation all set up with the basics ready for a move and a cull - but sadly the day after posting that last I fell ill again, and I haven't been fit for anything since - I've had exactly 3 days (not even in a row which sucks) where I've felt 'normal' as in no brain fog/ cfs or menieres/ sickness or flu to deal with since September 1st. considering we're now 6 days into December I'd say that sucks massive sweaty donkey bollocks wouldn't you..?

So, as is par for the course this is when the 'bad' news hits; it always comes just when I'm at my lowest. While I'm trying so hard to stay positive and think about the possibility of working I'm informed of the need for a medical assessment and transfer to ESA so they can assess my fitness to work.

I will admit to conflicting emotions; fear that i'll lose the financial security of my benefits and be forced into some monkey brain job that sucks all the joy out of living and leaves me useless at home for anything involving quality of life or ability to be a decent mum.
..But the even greater fear is that they'll confirm I am indeed useless and will never be able to work.

I'm worried that as my benefits are the sole income of our household we'll struggle for a couple of months to pay rent and bills or buy food - stupid I know as if I lose incapacity i'll just be put on JSA and so will Stef - in fact we may even be better off that way as we'd both have an income AND we'd get full housing/ council tax benefit - and possibly income support..

But change is scary, any kind of change be it financial, emotional or other; I just wish it wasn't also stressfull. I need to be well so I can try and find a job that I can hold down: I don't want to be told that chances are less than slim. If only someone would offer me work that would allow me to work on my laptop from bed.

This is why I loved studying; I felt in control, I felt useful. OK so I never once hit a deadline and had extenuating circumstances for everything - but I did good work, I learned things and I got a 1st class honours degree from doing so - that is a great achievement.

Sadly the workplace rarely allows you to miss a deadline; extenuating circumstances do not exist in the business world and home working is still a rarity so working from my bed is still not an option. I guess it's time to face the fact that unless the ESA folk know of a job that lets me work as though I was studying I'm stuck being useless forever - or until the working world catches up to the digital revolution at least.

2010 2011
Amount of crashes in January88
Amount of crashes in February99
Amount of crashes in March137
Amount of crashes in April105
Amount of crashes in May1114
Amount of crashes in June1510
Amount of crashes in July89
Amount of crashes in August167
Amount of crashes in September109
Amount of crashes in October1415
Amount of crashes in November818
Average crash per month:1110
As before the only 'crashes' I've recorded on here are the 'full day in bed/ incapacitated, no good to anyone' days - the cognitive and half days I don't bother with as I can still get some things done(even if it's just doing a load of washing/ sending a few emails or making sure I eat something)

1 comment:

Vics said...

..actually if i'm really honest the biggest fear ihave about ESA assessment is that every bad thing i've heard about the process will happen to me; that they'll basically say i'm a workshy malingerer, i'll get booted to jsa and because of the stress have a relapse.

Because of said relapse i'll miss jsa appointments and lose benefits altogether resulting in losing my home while iattempt to be reassessed for esa again, then go through a tribunal and wind up bed ridden for months again instead of doing as I'm trying to do now and fighting to build my strength up to find a job.

..or even worse case; get a job, relapse and let down workmates AND my family while once again starting the benefit application treadmill. *sigh* i hate allthis stupid stress and worry!