Sunday, February 19, 2012
What's the hold up?
I was told at the start of December that I'm beginning the move to ESA, I filled in and returned the ATOS form and now I'm still waiting to hear back from them. I'm stressing about the family budget, I'm stressing about the fact that I'm just not coming out of this ME/CFS funk; every time I think i'm heading into a period of remission i get a cold/ virus and it's straight back into relapseville.
I can't afford any more VegEPA and haven't been taking them since at least Novemeber (maybe longer; my memory fails me) and it really shows; my mood is slanted towards the pessimistic, my brain is sluggish and I'm back to being too easily distracted to really concentrate on things - and the thing that for me fixes all these issues I can't afford to get until I have a job - but without it I'm probably not likely to get a job - it's a vicious circle!
I put in a bid for some freelance work after having no joy with 'real' jobs but 'surprise' I've had no response back; even if i did, I've since looked into how that will affect our finances and unless Stef finds work I'm better off not wading into the 'self employed' quagmire; My brain just couldn't take in the requirements for it and it seems i'd be punished by the DWP for attempting to work my own way; I may be wrong there but like I said, brain glitching a lot lately.
I was taking between 6-8 Vegepa a day, now I'm taking none; I was able to complete a degree with 1st class honours and lead sessions at conferences; now every item is a 'thing or 'thingy' because the aphasia is kicking in almost constantly and I just can't find words (thank god for online thesaurus eh?!) ..and i'm lying in bed half the night trying to sleep and only dozing and dreaming and waking feeling sluggish and unrefreshed.
My diet has improved, the only stress I have is self imposed over financial possibilities; the only major difference in my oral intake is zero Vegepa - you do the maths.
If ESA folk would just tell me where I stand and what's happening even the stress would vanish as I could then get organised; but obviously my body now relies on that bloody supplement; either I've been taking it too long or it really does help on its own - or it's one hell of a placebo effect. I need to find £11pw for a pot of the stuff to help me get my brain and sleeping patterns back! if only the NHS provided it *sigh* it's a dear do being ill.