Thursday, November 02, 2006

At the sound of the beep..

My ear infection seems to have mutated from an annoying 'water in ear' sensation to a slight case of tinnitus, and it hurts.
i get an occasional twinge (that feels like someone stabbing needlethin icicles through my ear drum) that lasts from an instant to several seconds at a time. I think I need to go back to the docs about it.
I'm also back to the really sucky low energy levels and acheyness, the bed feels more uncomfortable than ever - I wake up feeling as though I've slept on rocky ground not a mattress, and I'm just so tired it's making me narky and miserable when I'm not just crashed out on the bed or sofa looking like I've forgotten how to smile.
Bless 'im though - my mannums is putting up with it, he gave me a massage and ran me a bath this morning, I've just spent the last three hours soaking in it, not much of a relief sadly but at least when I'm in the bath I can shut up the little voice nagging at the back of my head saying I should be doing something.

I'm worried about money - again.
I know my current incapacity claim runs out on January 7th, I can't help wondering what I'll do if they refuse a new claim. I'm still at the same level of fitness I've been for the past 8 months or so - well, if you discount my current mini-lapse.
But that's the thing, I'm not getting any better - I've finally hit the proverbial glass ceiling, I'm well enough to bimble about (current crappyness aside) but I'm just under the threshold of being fit for work - even part time stuff feels beyond me at present.
Stef keeps telling me not to worry about it but I can't help it.
I know beating myself up about things is bad, but I can't stop.

I worry about how his folks view me, I worry that he will get sick of covering me for things - I now owe him a fair bit of money - something I never wanted to do. I just can't let those sort of things slide, maybe I'm too proud, money has always been a big deal for me - I hate owing people and I have to be seen to be paying my own way.. Something it's getting increasingly difficult to do.

I'm also sick of living here, It's saying something when even Stef's fecked off with the cigarette smell emanating up from downstairs, with my ridiculous sense of smell it's no wonder I'm cranky and nauseas a lot lately. That's aside from the stress created by the downstairs neighbour.
I just can't wait for this year to be over and us to be out of here living somewhere quiet, out of the way and peaceful - maybe then I can let myself relax a little, if I'm not surrounded by people and I'm somewhere that feels like it's a holiday, maybe I can quit putting so much pressure on myself.

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