Monday, October 25, 2010

Arsing cuntybollocks!

I've really enjoyed the last month or so. It's been great having no work deadline and being able to not think about coursework or 'THE FUTURE' for days at a time; Instead I've been a mum. I've spent quality time with my daughter and Stef and just crashed around family time instead of crashing through it before locking myself away to work.

It's made me realise that I don't really want to get the job I know I need to get. Not because I don't want to work; I do - I love being around people who treat me as knowledgeable and competent as opposed to ill and weak and pitiful and I love feeling as though I'm doing something constructive with my time.

The problem is - I have enough energy to be a part-time mum OR a part-time employee; as soon as I'm working I'll be back to being too tired to do more than lie on the couch and watch my daughter play; I won't be able to go out to the play centres and home visits with her and Stef like we have been because I'll need to conserve that energy for work.

I don't want to live to work; People are supposed to work to live - that's the whole point!

I'm already half dreading the return to structured classes in January because I'm afraid I'll lose this rapport we've been building. My daughter always pushed me away and cried for Stef before; I love that now she cries for me too when she's hurt or in need of assistance; I don't want to go back to being useless or unavailable mum - but there is no way of avoiding it if I don't want to waste all my hard work up to now.

Why can't there be a compromise with the CFS? why do I have to choose one thing over another? I would give ANYTHING to be normal again; to be able to come home after a 4 hour work day and still have the energy to play with Isabella.

But it's not going to happen. Stef keeps telling me not to get down about it - to remember that it's only another 6 months. But what happens then? I get a job and give up any hope of being a real mum?

We might get the home we need but at what cost? Why am I doing this course? when I started it was to get out of the benefit trap, but that was before Bella came along and I didn't have any other claim on my time. Now she's there and if I work I don't have the time or energy she needs from me.

Stef is right, I have 6 months to work on it at least, worrying is a further waste of energy that I don't have to spare but it's REALLY hard not to fret.

1 comment:

Jo said...

I have just stumbled upon your website and I have had such a mixture of emotions reading your comments. I was daignosed with CFS/ME in July this year. In some ways it was a relief to know that I was not/am not mad, but also frustration at how this was not diagnosed earlier. Today, this week, is a bad week. Feel at an all time low, plagued with worries and a huge sense of failure, but am full of admiration for you. I shall continue to follow your journey and wish you all the best. Jo x