Thursday, November 11, 2010

Temper temper..

Ok, so she's 2. it's not like there isn't any warning that this will happen - they're called the terrible two's for a reason it seems. She's just infuriating me all the time - it's a constant battle of wills 'dat mine!' 'NO!' 'go'way mummy' 'want it' 'me do dat'

..and the tantrums! Any response contrary to her desire is met with screaming, kicking, pinching, biting.. The other day she got to me so badly that stef had to take her out of my sight so I didn't pick her up and throw her across the room in a rage.

It's hard enough to cope with her being like that when I feel well but the me/cfs has kicked in with a vengeance and so lately i'm either fatigued, in pain or completely brain dead (or all three) and it's really hard to keep a lid on my temper when I'm tired or in pain.

I KNOW she's just testing her limits and in the process pushing me to mine but i really feel sometimes I can't cope with it - and this is a child that 'everyone else' says is 'just a normal kid'

I KNOW that. ..But 'everyone else' doesn't have to deal with the kicking and biting and pinching on a body that is so worn down through illness that even the slightest knock feels like it's been administered by a baseball bat wielded by a giant.

I've managed to mostly stop the biting by dint of biting her back when she does it, pinching back doesn't seem to have the same effect sadly because then she thinks it's a game and pinches back even harder

..and hitting is out of the question (though she does get a slap on the fleshy part of her leg if she pushes me too far when I'm fighting with her to change her nappy and there's shit going everywhere - roll on being potty trained!)

Stef took her out of the room because I had to turn my back, clench my fists and literally hold on in silence until the red mist left me - if I'd had to speak or do anything it would have been something i'd regret.

it's possible that part of the reason i'm so bad at the moment is just down to being a parent - stress and bottled up emotion play havoc with your system and i'm so angry so much of the time at the moment - at bella, at stef, at myself.. it's hardly surprising i'm sliding back into a pre-relapse state.

Just need to get through this next 2 years - that's what I keep telling myself; get my degree and have a year out to recover.

If I can.

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