I was warned...
They previously sent me the wrong incapacity benefit forms, which figures...
I found out when I went in on Thursday to see about a crisis loan (have I already blogged this? gah! My memory sux) ok, whatever - I got these new ones on Friday but I've been really pants the last few days which is why I'm trying to fill them out today.
I hadn't realised what a mess my paperwork was in - can I find anything? Can I buggary! So fingers crossed they accept what I've written, pass me the cash and I can then concentrate on this 'pacing' (it involves calm and patience - 2 qualities I am not renowned for...) and after todays physio assessment at the hospital I've signed up for the 'energy for life' program.
This consists of 5 consecutive Tuesdays of whinging with at least 8 other cfs sufferers in a classroom environment before undertaking some 'light circuit training' (Exercise... Not worried about that in the slightest...) The 'research study' is just some questionaires spaced out over the next 6 months so I'm not too fussed about that.
Stef and I cleaned the house yesterday (ok, Stef did most of it but it's still a lot more sparkly looking, even if I do still have the sofa covers to do) The last few days he's been really ace, I don't know what's changed - whether he's actually realised I'm not faking for an easier life or whether I was really just being too hyper critical (who? me?!) about how he's reacted to it previously - either way, I've felt more chilled with him around again which has helped me calm down a bit.
Sadly that hasn't helped with the aches 'n' stuff, but fingers crossed this physio thing does something.
Even more to the point - fingers crossed my benefits get sorted before mum's wedding I used the last of my cash doing the shopping on friday with Stef, I have just enough food in now to last me 2-3 weeks - nothing fresh sadly, but at least it's fairly nutricious stuff.
I'd best go finish filling out the darned forms before my eyes go again.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Saturday, March 19, 2005
tum-te-tum
Yesterday, um...
lets forget about yesterday eh? It' didn't happen, I stayed in bed, got up, fell over, went back to bed, got up, fell over ad nauseum. Just about managed a trip round Asda with Stef at 8ish but felt really sick/ queasy when we left - don't really want to remember much else because it was a rotten day for me.
Today - woke up feeling once again as if the guy with the sledge hammer had been round. Still Thirsty and shaky, pins and needles are back in full force it seems - the last few days they've just not left, I was also shaking so much yesterday that I couldn't eat with my fork till I had it under control and I had to pick up my glass with both hands and really concentrate on not dropping it.
At least I've not had the muscle jumping for a while though - that's awful - not in a painful way, but it's very disturbing feeling the muscles in your hand 'jump' constantly for several hours and nothing you can do stops it.
I slept in again today - but I needed it, woke up again around 12 feeling so much better than I have in days - the aches I'd had earlier have lifted (possibly something to do with the painkiller Stef brought me earlier) It's glorious outside so when I've had a bath I'm going to attempt a nice gentle stroll up to the park - I'm pretty sure Stef won't mind, at least I know he'll look after me if it proves to be a bit much - but I reckon I'll be able to handle it today.
The fog seems to have lifted too, I'm not having to concentrate so hard on trying to 'hear' and understand what he's saying.
I think that's one of the worst things with this, I've always been mentally 'quick' now I just feel so stupid all the time - last night is a great example - I'd decided to bake a cake in the microwave - the room filling with black smoke because I'd left it in too long in an inappropriate container...
I've never been that stupid!
Ah well, onwards and upwards - I'll just have to try harder is all.
lets forget about yesterday eh? It' didn't happen, I stayed in bed, got up, fell over, went back to bed, got up, fell over ad nauseum. Just about managed a trip round Asda with Stef at 8ish but felt really sick/ queasy when we left - don't really want to remember much else because it was a rotten day for me.
Today - woke up feeling once again as if the guy with the sledge hammer had been round. Still Thirsty and shaky, pins and needles are back in full force it seems - the last few days they've just not left, I was also shaking so much yesterday that I couldn't eat with my fork till I had it under control and I had to pick up my glass with both hands and really concentrate on not dropping it.
At least I've not had the muscle jumping for a while though - that's awful - not in a painful way, but it's very disturbing feeling the muscles in your hand 'jump' constantly for several hours and nothing you can do stops it.
I slept in again today - but I needed it, woke up again around 12 feeling so much better than I have in days - the aches I'd had earlier have lifted (possibly something to do with the painkiller Stef brought me earlier) It's glorious outside so when I've had a bath I'm going to attempt a nice gentle stroll up to the park - I'm pretty sure Stef won't mind, at least I know he'll look after me if it proves to be a bit much - but I reckon I'll be able to handle it today.
The fog seems to have lifted too, I'm not having to concentrate so hard on trying to 'hear' and understand what he's saying.
I think that's one of the worst things with this, I've always been mentally 'quick' now I just feel so stupid all the time - last night is a great example - I'd decided to bake a cake in the microwave - the room filling with black smoke because I'd left it in too long in an inappropriate container...
I've never been that stupid!
Ah well, onwards and upwards - I'll just have to try harder is all.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
It's a real pea souper
Yup, fog day - I'm just tired, my limbs are heavy and I feel like I'm forcing through treacle to do anything.
I'm also having a gobble-de-gook phase, really having to concentrate on whats said so I can understand it, Stef just took the piss because I misunderstood something he said, actually - it's not that I misunderstood him - I literally couldn't understand, it's like he was talking a foreign language.
Just won't bother mentioning anything - after wouldn't want to 'annoy' him by 'whinging' again
Asthma is playing up again.
was up at 8.30 had bath, can't really remember what else i did today - oh yeah, was eating porridge when Stef got here so I made food. Just trying to avoid going to bed or sleeping, have to go to the shop and get some food but don't have the energy so I'll wait til Stef gets back and see if he'll take me.
Need to wash up but I'm having problems lifting the kettle and the hot tap still hasnt been fixed, will txt landlord again when I can remember where I put my phone. three major dizzy spells and counting - and I keep bumping into things and tripping over my own feet Tra la la - par for the course.
music is good.
I'm also having a gobble-de-gook phase, really having to concentrate on whats said so I can understand it, Stef just took the piss because I misunderstood something he said, actually - it's not that I misunderstood him - I literally couldn't understand, it's like he was talking a foreign language.
Just won't bother mentioning anything - after wouldn't want to 'annoy' him by 'whinging' again
Asthma is playing up again.
was up at 8.30 had bath, can't really remember what else i did today - oh yeah, was eating porridge when Stef got here so I made food. Just trying to avoid going to bed or sleeping, have to go to the shop and get some food but don't have the energy so I'll wait til Stef gets back and see if he'll take me.
Need to wash up but I'm having problems lifting the kettle and the hot tap still hasnt been fixed, will txt landlord again when I can remember where I put my phone. three major dizzy spells and counting - and I keep bumping into things and tripping over my own feet Tra la la - par for the course.
music is good.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Yet another shit day... dum de dum de dum
Couldn't really sleep last night - just couldn't settle, skin was too sensitive I was just hot and itchy and the duvet was irritating me.
Finally dropped off, woke up by a call from mum. Dragged my sorry ass out of bed had a bath (zombie stylee) got sean up then we went to meet mum in town.
She was late for a change so we stopped by starbucks - I had a strawberry frappachino and muffin (way to go on the cutting out dairy products lol) then went to meet her when her bus got in.
After about 30 minutes of wandering around the shops I was starting to not feel 'with it' I just put it down to needing the loo and a drink, the feeling didn't go away and I started getting snappy.
I really tried not to.
The fact that I hate clothes shopping anyhow didn't really help matters though, so instead of realising that I was feeling out of sorts, mum put it down to me getting depressed because we couldn't find anything. It's not true, I was just feeling really lousy and just wanted to get home and lie down, so after a slight scene which left me walking up King street in tears followed by an awkwardly sympathetic housemate.
We finally made it home and for the second day in a row I ended up falling onto the sofa and literally crashing in seconds. Woke up with a stinking headache (which I'm putting down to the stress and tears) and had to literally crawl upstairs to go to the loo because my legs weren't working. Coming back down was easier.
Sean had thankfully placed a drink on the coffee table for me for when I woke up so I just had a drink and went back to sleep.
When I woke up again the headache had eased somewhat but the body aches were back full force - moving hurt. A lot.
I made myself get up, grabbed the last 2 painkillers (reminder, get some more tomorrow) switched on the TV and had some toast, sean then made me some proper food and I just 'rested' for a while in front of the box, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.
I'm now 'up' still tired, dull headache, legs hurt - especially my bad knee and I'm depressed. Other than that... Well, I'm still breathing - and I have chocolate.
Roll on May.
Finally dropped off, woke up by a call from mum. Dragged my sorry ass out of bed had a bath (zombie stylee) got sean up then we went to meet mum in town.
She was late for a change so we stopped by starbucks - I had a strawberry frappachino and muffin (way to go on the cutting out dairy products lol) then went to meet her when her bus got in.
After about 30 minutes of wandering around the shops I was starting to not feel 'with it' I just put it down to needing the loo and a drink, the feeling didn't go away and I started getting snappy.
I really tried not to.
The fact that I hate clothes shopping anyhow didn't really help matters though, so instead of realising that I was feeling out of sorts, mum put it down to me getting depressed because we couldn't find anything. It's not true, I was just feeling really lousy and just wanted to get home and lie down, so after a slight scene which left me walking up King street in tears followed by an awkwardly sympathetic housemate.
We finally made it home and for the second day in a row I ended up falling onto the sofa and literally crashing in seconds. Woke up with a stinking headache (which I'm putting down to the stress and tears) and had to literally crawl upstairs to go to the loo because my legs weren't working. Coming back down was easier.
Sean had thankfully placed a drink on the coffee table for me for when I woke up so I just had a drink and went back to sleep.
When I woke up again the headache had eased somewhat but the body aches were back full force - moving hurt. A lot.
I made myself get up, grabbed the last 2 painkillers (reminder, get some more tomorrow) switched on the TV and had some toast, sean then made me some proper food and I just 'rested' for a while in front of the box, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.
I'm now 'up' still tired, dull headache, legs hurt - especially my bad knee and I'm depressed. Other than that... Well, I'm still breathing - and I have chocolate.
Roll on May.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Forms... Joy.
I've just posted section 1 of my DLA form.
I've got someone calling me in the next 5 days to help me with section 2 - I can't cope with it. It's like, my mind reads the question, I understand it - right up until I have to put down and answer, then I have to read it all over again - this loops on for maybe 20 minutes until I either just put anything down or give up in frustration until later. When the cycle begins again.
It's more than frustrating - I've never had a problem filling out forms or anything before - I even felt more of an idiot because this has been going on for weeks and I never noticed the bloody helpline number plastered all over the form itself.
Yes I'm a tit.
Amy on the free for all forums gave me this lil snippet of info too which has not brightened my day any:
But apparantly if you tell 'em that then you don't need help - which is BOLLOX!
Gah, got the shakes so I'm going back to bed again - quick run down on today:
Stayed at Yogi's last night (his mum wanted me fed *grin*)
So up at 8.30 in zombie mode, brought home - couldn't make it upstairs so crashed on the sofa.
Up again at 12, lurched into kitchen got drink and rang helpline number.
(woohoo, cognitive ability returned) Sounded like a retard on the phone, had to check the forms in front of me for my address and phone number, groping for words... Ugh - I hate using the phone to strangers these days.
Forced myself to walk round to the post office (for the dla peoples information I stumbled no less than 5 times) to send off the first part of the form to ensure my claim is taken from february 7th, else I'd have to start this all over again and lose money if the claim is successful.
problems going to the loo (I'll spare any readers the details) shakiness, sore throat, blurred vision and ACHES.
That about sums it up for now.
I'm bloody hungry too and there's nothing in that doesn't need cooking *sigh* It'll have to wait, I just haven't got the energy today.
I've got someone calling me in the next 5 days to help me with section 2 - I can't cope with it. It's like, my mind reads the question, I understand it - right up until I have to put down and answer, then I have to read it all over again - this loops on for maybe 20 minutes until I either just put anything down or give up in frustration until later. When the cycle begins again.
It's more than frustrating - I've never had a problem filling out forms or anything before - I even felt more of an idiot because this has been going on for weeks and I never noticed the bloody helpline number plastered all over the form itself.
Yes I'm a tit.
Amy on the free for all forums gave me this lil snippet of info too which has not brightened my day any:
Good luck with your benefit forms. I strongly recommend you get help filling them in...I used D.I.A.L for mine and they were very helpful...apparently citizens advice are good too.See, the problem is - some days I can do those things, other days I can't - and I can't give a decent guestimate on the frequency of my difficulties either - I can go for a few days of being a 'normal' fully functioning human being, to the next few days unable to even get out of bed to go to the bathroom without help!
I had already been turned down for my DLA once before when I got help from D.I.A.L. They arranged a home visit for me cos I was unable to get to their centre...it took ages to go through everything (nearly three hours to fill in the form) but she filled the form in for me and was really helpful.
Take a look at these links too....
http://www.bhas.org.uk/freeguides/dla-adults-physicalgrounds.pdf
All about DLA...
http://www.apachetear.net/textfiles/me_benefits_IB50.htm
this is for when you are filling out your IB50 form when you have been on incapacity benefit for 6 months (your SSP counts towards those 6 months if I remember correctly)
It is really important that you get these forms right so get all the help you can. It takes ages to get anything from them too....I applied for DLA in November, was turned down in January and they are looking at it again now (I had a visit from the doctor about it).
Also remember, that down the line you will have to fill in another, different incapcity benefit form (IB50) if/when you go on to higher rate benefit and you may have to have a medical....I did....
it's hard going. Especially DLA...dont expect to get it straight away...I've applied twice now...first time I didnt really know what I was doing and was turned down...this time I had help from D.I.A.L and they still turned me down! I know more about it this time so I'm asking them to look at it again for me.
You have to bear in mind the basic things that you shouldnt be able to do to get DLA....if you can prepare and cook a meal for yourself you cant get care component...if you can walk 100 yards (I think thats what it is) you wont get mobility component....you have to be very careful with the way you word things and always tell them about the things you cant do not the things you can.
But apparantly if you tell 'em that then you don't need help - which is BOLLOX!
Gah, got the shakes so I'm going back to bed again - quick run down on today:
Stayed at Yogi's last night (his mum wanted me fed *grin*)
So up at 8.30 in zombie mode, brought home - couldn't make it upstairs so crashed on the sofa.
Up again at 12, lurched into kitchen got drink and rang helpline number.
(woohoo, cognitive ability returned) Sounded like a retard on the phone, had to check the forms in front of me for my address and phone number, groping for words... Ugh - I hate using the phone to strangers these days.
Forced myself to walk round to the post office (for the dla peoples information I stumbled no less than 5 times) to send off the first part of the form to ensure my claim is taken from february 7th, else I'd have to start this all over again and lose money if the claim is successful.
problems going to the loo (I'll spare any readers the details) shakiness, sore throat, blurred vision and ACHES.
That about sums it up for now.
I'm bloody hungry too and there's nothing in that doesn't need cooking *sigh* It'll have to wait, I just haven't got the energy today.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Work visit
I'm still at my pc, I've been here for the last hour or so since being awakened by a call from my mother.
Apparantly she's being referred to a specialist because her Dr thinks she has CFS too.
I'm not surprised.
Now I know what it's like I can think of so many incidents from my childhood that indicate she had it - I'm also ashamed for the numerous occasions I called her a hypochondriac behind her back and prayed that I wouldn't grow up to be just like her.
I think we can safely say I got my come uppance there - now I just hope I'm as strong as she must have been back then to cope with 3 kids even half as well as she did feeling like this all the time with no help, no recognition and less than no support from family and friends.
I'm just trying to summon up the energy to clear some of the crap from the front room so Steve and Racheal have somewhere to sit when they come later - I'm still tired, the aches are down to a dull murmer though which is good. The headache I awoke with has eased back as well.
I'm now going to get some porridge (flavoured with raisins and honey) and another pint of cordial before I get in the bath. Then I guess I should have another bash at those forms.
Joy...
Apparantly she's being referred to a specialist because her Dr thinks she has CFS too.
I'm not surprised.
Now I know what it's like I can think of so many incidents from my childhood that indicate she had it - I'm also ashamed for the numerous occasions I called her a hypochondriac behind her back and prayed that I wouldn't grow up to be just like her.
I think we can safely say I got my come uppance there - now I just hope I'm as strong as she must have been back then to cope with 3 kids even half as well as she did feeling like this all the time with no help, no recognition and less than no support from family and friends.
I'm just trying to summon up the energy to clear some of the crap from the front room so Steve and Racheal have somewhere to sit when they come later - I'm still tired, the aches are down to a dull murmer though which is good. The headache I awoke with has eased back as well.
I'm now going to get some porridge (flavoured with raisins and honey) and another pint of cordial before I get in the bath. Then I guess I should have another bash at those forms.
Joy...
Insomnia city
Since my last post I've done nothing but watch dvd's go to the loo, fetch drinks and check online forums and my blog lists - alternating between all three as my eyesight allows.
It's been playing up a lot recently and I'm so dry all the time - eyes and mouth. It probably explains why I'm so thirsty though, my skin is dryer than it's ever been in my life, my lips are constantly cracked and flaky - I've even developed some kind of eczma type rash all down the back of my legs and my bum!
(I know I know... TMI)
I can't sleep - I'm so tired I'm internally shaking (though I was doing that before the headache kicked in so maybe it's all part and parcel of the dropping things phenomena) but I can't sleep, my mind is racing. I went to bed at 2 but then after lying there tossing and turning, fruitlessly trying to find some position that eased the aches a little - I gave up and turned on the trusty pc again - I can always find solace online (assuming I can handle looking at the screen long enough)
I've got a home visit from work tomorrow. This has confused me - I was informed that they've stopped paying me SSP, I've even recieved the written confirmation of this (finally) yet my boss and his superior are still coming out to do a home assessment on me.
Ah well, whatever makes 'em happy - it'll be someone to talk to other than a hungover, depressed housemate.
Which is nice.
I need to finish filling out my benefit forms tomorrow so I can get 'em posted, I just keep forgetting about them - not a good thing to do as they need to be in by march 21st at the latest.
Perhaps I should also use this blog as a reminder list - I never remember to stick one in phone like I used to.
Feck it - I'm gonna play bejewelled till I crash, it usually helps.
It's been playing up a lot recently and I'm so dry all the time - eyes and mouth. It probably explains why I'm so thirsty though, my skin is dryer than it's ever been in my life, my lips are constantly cracked and flaky - I've even developed some kind of eczma type rash all down the back of my legs and my bum!
(I know I know... TMI)
I can't sleep - I'm so tired I'm internally shaking (though I was doing that before the headache kicked in so maybe it's all part and parcel of the dropping things phenomena) but I can't sleep, my mind is racing. I went to bed at 2 but then after lying there tossing and turning, fruitlessly trying to find some position that eased the aches a little - I gave up and turned on the trusty pc again - I can always find solace online (assuming I can handle looking at the screen long enough)
I've got a home visit from work tomorrow. This has confused me - I was informed that they've stopped paying me SSP, I've even recieved the written confirmation of this (finally) yet my boss and his superior are still coming out to do a home assessment on me.
Ah well, whatever makes 'em happy - it'll be someone to talk to other than a hungover, depressed housemate.
Which is nice.
I need to finish filling out my benefit forms tomorrow so I can get 'em posted, I just keep forgetting about them - not a good thing to do as they need to be in by march 21st at the latest.
Perhaps I should also use this blog as a reminder list - I never remember to stick one in phone like I used to.
Feck it - I'm gonna play bejewelled till I crash, it usually helps.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Whoops
Well, today appears to have made up for yesterday *sigh*
Yes the majority of it has been spent lay down, I have a sneaking suspicion its food poisoning though - I should have known not to use those berlotti beans, only a few days out of date but *shrugs*
Woke up at around 10.30ish again (at last! a pattern?) PAIN all over, I figured that was just a healthy burn from all the excersize I did yesterday though - Till I tried to get up.
MAN!
dizziness, nausea - lying back down didn't help because the room started spinning, tried to get back to sleep but failed miserably - the most that happened was another of those semi-dreaming states I get sometimes when I'm too awake to sleep but too exhausted to get up - except I didn't feel tired for a change. Just ill.
After several hours of this I lurched downstairs and got a drink, 2 pints of cordial later and I felt a little better - could actually swallow and my throat didn't feel so sore. Still burning up though and my lack of balance has not improved any.
Not feeling so sick now, though a slight nauseousness is still there. I feel like I'm going to the loo every 5 minutes with a few drinks to top up my system in between.
Perhaps forcing myself to move around isn't the best plan but I am too thirsty to care, and since for once I can move whilst feeling this shit - I'm doing so.
Right my eyesight is going again so I'm heading back down to my impromptu bed on the couch - I refuse to get into my actual bed until a reasonable bed time - I spend far too much time in it as it is! At least by camping out downstairs I can pretend I'm 'up'.
Yes the majority of it has been spent lay down, I have a sneaking suspicion its food poisoning though - I should have known not to use those berlotti beans, only a few days out of date but *shrugs*
Woke up at around 10.30ish again (at last! a pattern?) PAIN all over, I figured that was just a healthy burn from all the excersize I did yesterday though - Till I tried to get up.
MAN!
dizziness, nausea - lying back down didn't help because the room started spinning, tried to get back to sleep but failed miserably - the most that happened was another of those semi-dreaming states I get sometimes when I'm too awake to sleep but too exhausted to get up - except I didn't feel tired for a change. Just ill.
After several hours of this I lurched downstairs and got a drink, 2 pints of cordial later and I felt a little better - could actually swallow and my throat didn't feel so sore. Still burning up though and my lack of balance has not improved any.
Not feeling so sick now, though a slight nauseousness is still there. I feel like I'm going to the loo every 5 minutes with a few drinks to top up my system in between.
Perhaps forcing myself to move around isn't the best plan but I am too thirsty to care, and since for once I can move whilst feeling this shit - I'm doing so.
Right my eyesight is going again so I'm heading back down to my impromptu bed on the couch - I refuse to get into my actual bed until a reasonable bed time - I spend far too much time in it as it is! At least by camping out downstairs I can pretend I'm 'up'.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Something new
I've just recieved a shedload of bumph from Caroline at the Bury M.E. support group - and I do mean a shedload - it'll take me a while to wade through this little lot, but what I've scanned so far looks good.
I've also decided that since I'm crap at keeping a written diary of symptoms etc - instead of just whinging on here I'll keep an account of day to day stuff, symptoms, activities etc etc - lets see if any kind of pattern emerges.
(and it gives me an excuse to keep coming online lol)
So... today:
Up at 10.30, usual body aches but no headache (hurrah!) actually hungry, feel like I have enough energy to tackle the kitchen and go for a walk (woohoo!)
Will add more later - I'll even keep a record of how many steps I take each day seeing as my walkers pedometer finally arrived (I'm such a sucker for free stuff)
Update:
After a filling meal of beans on toast and a cup of chinese tea, I walked to the Asda and back (3hr round trip) I felt quite ill when I got back - my leg still aches, but I'm also still wide awake at gone midnight - even despite messing about the house all night, I've barely sat down.
While that's good today - I'm dreading the knock on effect over the next few days - ah well... Best not to borrow trouble eh?!
Made a very tasty vegetable and bean soup - still got nearly a full pan left, methinks I'll be feeding well tomorrow, I've also got another carton of cherry tomatos, I think perhaps I should have got more - I eat 'em like candy!
...Oh and my pedometer count is 101144 today.
Lets see how often I can beat that! (till the battery dies anyhow)
Now I need to try and sleep. *sigh* wish me luck!
I've also decided that since I'm crap at keeping a written diary of symptoms etc - instead of just whinging on here I'll keep an account of day to day stuff, symptoms, activities etc etc - lets see if any kind of pattern emerges.
(and it gives me an excuse to keep coming online lol)
So... today:
Up at 10.30, usual body aches but no headache (hurrah!) actually hungry, feel like I have enough energy to tackle the kitchen and go for a walk (woohoo!)
Will add more later - I'll even keep a record of how many steps I take each day seeing as my walkers pedometer finally arrived (I'm such a sucker for free stuff)
Update:
After a filling meal of beans on toast and a cup of chinese tea, I walked to the Asda and back (3hr round trip) I felt quite ill when I got back - my leg still aches, but I'm also still wide awake at gone midnight - even despite messing about the house all night, I've barely sat down.
While that's good today - I'm dreading the knock on effect over the next few days - ah well... Best not to borrow trouble eh?!
Made a very tasty vegetable and bean soup - still got nearly a full pan left, methinks I'll be feeding well tomorrow, I've also got another carton of cherry tomatos, I think perhaps I should have got more - I eat 'em like candy!
...Oh and my pedometer count is 101144 today.
Lets see how often I can beat that! (till the battery dies anyhow)
Now I need to try and sleep. *sigh* wish me luck!
Comic Relief
The good news is that today I've finally recieved the written confirmation I need from Barclays to put forward my claim for incapacity, sadly it's about 3 weeks later than I needed but fingers crossed it all gets sorted before mums wedding at the end of April.
If it does then I can still go to Spain to see Trish and Angie for my birthday and just take a break from everything.
I need a break - for real.
It's all just getting to me so much, I nearly broke up with Stef on Tuesday.
It was like the icing on the cake, I'd told him all the crap I've been getting from mum and Sean, I'd filled him in on the money situation - not much of a response...
All I really wanted was a hug and a sincere "Don't worry, it'll get sorted"
Fair enough, things do sound less stressfull and fairly petty when I try and verbally explain what's bothering me, but then he started bitching at me to do this that and the other - no sympathy no empathy - just orders.
I know he's the kind of person who expects action not whinging, I'm pretty much the same - but at least I know that sometimes people need to get things off their chest! If you are offering suggestions then at least make it sound like suggestions instead of laying down the law - and a hug is always a good thing.
It started when I was trying to fill in the benefit claim forms, he got very terse with me so I told him to stop shouting at me. He then went into the kitchen and left me to it.
We were getting ready to leave the house when I tried explaining how this illness makes me feel - how I hate it and that all this stress just makes it worse - he told me to shut up, apparantly it gets very boring listening to someone whinge all the time.
Excuse me?!
Thanks for the support and understanding there. Nice to know I'm not all alone with this. Half of the reason I'd started my explanation is because I feel as though he thinks I'm making most of it up - I just wanted a little reassurance from him.
I think that's the root of a lot of my insecurities with this - I feel like a hypochondriac so how can I expect other people not to see me in that light?
It's awful, I'm lucky in that I can still do some things - I've read and heard about people that can't get out of bed at all because of this. But because I can do some things, I look 'normal' to people, how do you explain to them how it feels? The sheer effort involved in doing those things - mentally as well as physically.
Every day you wake up and mentally push at the fog around you - testing the boundaries to see if you can get up and do something constructive today - you know it's not happening if you don't even have the 'energy' to do that.
Your limbs are too heavey to move and it's like you don't care, everything is just too hard and so what.
But that kind of explanation just gets a response of "So? I have days like that, you just get on with it and stop being so lazy - fight it"
If only it were that simple - it's not. I can't explain it for my own satisfaction - how the hell can I explain it to other people? The lack of decent information on this illness just makes everything that much harder - especially if you can't stay concentrated on the task long enough to do any in depth research on it.
Ah well...
I forgot that I recieved a letter from the physio department of my hospital last week, I need to call them on monday.
They want me to take part in "a research study investigating what factors contribute to an individual's level of chronic fatigue and/ or pain."
Hopefully this means I'm about to start some form of treatment - fingers crossed it works.
I've had to stop taking the pills as I can't afford any more at present, on the plus side at least now I'll know if they've been having any kind of effect...
If it does then I can still go to Spain to see Trish and Angie for my birthday and just take a break from everything.
I need a break - for real.
It's all just getting to me so much, I nearly broke up with Stef on Tuesday.
It was like the icing on the cake, I'd told him all the crap I've been getting from mum and Sean, I'd filled him in on the money situation - not much of a response...
All I really wanted was a hug and a sincere "Don't worry, it'll get sorted"
Fair enough, things do sound less stressfull and fairly petty when I try and verbally explain what's bothering me, but then he started bitching at me to do this that and the other - no sympathy no empathy - just orders.
I know he's the kind of person who expects action not whinging, I'm pretty much the same - but at least I know that sometimes people need to get things off their chest! If you are offering suggestions then at least make it sound like suggestions instead of laying down the law - and a hug is always a good thing.
It started when I was trying to fill in the benefit claim forms, he got very terse with me so I told him to stop shouting at me. He then went into the kitchen and left me to it.
We were getting ready to leave the house when I tried explaining how this illness makes me feel - how I hate it and that all this stress just makes it worse - he told me to shut up, apparantly it gets very boring listening to someone whinge all the time.
Excuse me?!
Thanks for the support and understanding there. Nice to know I'm not all alone with this. Half of the reason I'd started my explanation is because I feel as though he thinks I'm making most of it up - I just wanted a little reassurance from him.
I think that's the root of a lot of my insecurities with this - I feel like a hypochondriac so how can I expect other people not to see me in that light?
It's awful, I'm lucky in that I can still do some things - I've read and heard about people that can't get out of bed at all because of this. But because I can do some things, I look 'normal' to people, how do you explain to them how it feels? The sheer effort involved in doing those things - mentally as well as physically.
Every day you wake up and mentally push at the fog around you - testing the boundaries to see if you can get up and do something constructive today - you know it's not happening if you don't even have the 'energy' to do that.
Your limbs are too heavey to move and it's like you don't care, everything is just too hard and so what.
But that kind of explanation just gets a response of "So? I have days like that, you just get on with it and stop being so lazy - fight it"
If only it were that simple - it's not. I can't explain it for my own satisfaction - how the hell can I explain it to other people? The lack of decent information on this illness just makes everything that much harder - especially if you can't stay concentrated on the task long enough to do any in depth research on it.
Ah well...
I forgot that I recieved a letter from the physio department of my hospital last week, I need to call them on monday.
They want me to take part in "a research study investigating what factors contribute to an individual's level of chronic fatigue and/ or pain."
Hopefully this means I'm about to start some form of treatment - fingers crossed it works.
I've had to stop taking the pills as I can't afford any more at present, on the plus side at least now I'll know if they've been having any kind of effect...
Sunday, March 06, 2005
HELP!!!
J can finally stop whinging at me.
I've spent the better part of today searching fruitlessly online for an ME/ CFS/ PVFS support group or helpline number.
Nary a one to be found in my area - and by my area I mean the city of Manchester. It would appear that I am obviously the only M.E sufferer in our teeming metropolis. So much for getting some help with the benefits forms *sigh*
I've emailed a few places and posted requests on a couple of forums but I'm not really holding out much hope on the subject. In the meantime I'm attempting to answer some of the 'questions' on these forms.
Perhaps I should move to Bury or Tameside - they both appear to have extremely active support groups. I just hope one of 'em is willing to try and help me out.
I've spent the better part of today searching fruitlessly online for an ME/ CFS/ PVFS support group or helpline number.
Nary a one to be found in my area - and by my area I mean the city of Manchester. It would appear that I am obviously the only M.E sufferer in our teeming metropolis. So much for getting some help with the benefits forms *sigh*
I've emailed a few places and posted requests on a couple of forums but I'm not really holding out much hope on the subject. In the meantime I'm attempting to answer some of the 'questions' on these forms.
Perhaps I should move to Bury or Tameside - they both appear to have extremely active support groups. I just hope one of 'em is willing to try and help me out.
Depressed, need I say more?
Things have really started going to shit.
Work have stopped paying me, they didn't even give me any warning! My boss actually rang me to check up on how I was doing the day before I found out - HR have yet to inform him that I'm no longer on the books with them.
It's taken 2 weeks of none payment for me to discover I am now basically penniless, no wait - Less than penniless - I still have a loan to somehow pay and a £1350 overdraft. Joy.
I can't fill in the dla or incapacity forms because they are not structured for a chronic fluctuating illness, untill I get them filled out, I'll have no money - and if I don't fill them out correctly then they'll reject my claim and I'll still have no money.
My standing order for the rent was returned so on top of owing rent this month I'm now going to have bank charges, this means I am finally at the limit of my overdraft and they won't let me extend it.
I can't go out and buy any more food in... Things are looking bad.
I've tried finding an M.E support group or an advice centre, but the only ones near me are in Bury or Tintwhistle - neither of which are in Manchester itself.
I have enough problems getting to my mums on public transport and I know my way round there! I'm all alone here, my housemate has a drinking problem and is suicidal and everyone who would like to help me can't because they are too far away and in a similar financial position themselves.
How am I supposed to sort this out by myself?!
Every website I can find lists advice centres or support groups everywhere but Manchester itself - it's a fucking city for crying out loud! You are not telling me that I am the only person in here dealing with this fucker!
I know I'm not because my mum has it too, my dr has at least 3 other patients with it - he's told me about them.
I wonder if he'd be willing to give me a contact no. for one of them to see if they can help me..? I know I'm screwed otherwise, if only there were a way of getting help online or over the phone, sadly every resource I've found asks you to make an appointment and I can't get there without help.
I can't go out, I get dizzy, panicky - I'm paranoid as fuck about having a 'turn' when I'm on my own - These days I don't go anywhere alone unless I know I'm being met at the other end.
When we do go out it's always somewhere within easy travelling distance to home.
Anyway, even if I could get there I now can't afford the bus fare.
Perhaps I should just give up, I just don't have the energy for all this, stress makes it worse and with all the shit I have to deal with in the form of Sean, mum and money - quite frankly I'm at breaking point.
Work have stopped paying me, they didn't even give me any warning! My boss actually rang me to check up on how I was doing the day before I found out - HR have yet to inform him that I'm no longer on the books with them.
It's taken 2 weeks of none payment for me to discover I am now basically penniless, no wait - Less than penniless - I still have a loan to somehow pay and a £1350 overdraft. Joy.
I can't fill in the dla or incapacity forms because they are not structured for a chronic fluctuating illness, untill I get them filled out, I'll have no money - and if I don't fill them out correctly then they'll reject my claim and I'll still have no money.
My standing order for the rent was returned so on top of owing rent this month I'm now going to have bank charges, this means I am finally at the limit of my overdraft and they won't let me extend it.
I can't go out and buy any more food in... Things are looking bad.
I've tried finding an M.E support group or an advice centre, but the only ones near me are in Bury or Tintwhistle - neither of which are in Manchester itself.
I have enough problems getting to my mums on public transport and I know my way round there! I'm all alone here, my housemate has a drinking problem and is suicidal and everyone who would like to help me can't because they are too far away and in a similar financial position themselves.
How am I supposed to sort this out by myself?!
Every website I can find lists advice centres or support groups everywhere but Manchester itself - it's a fucking city for crying out loud! You are not telling me that I am the only person in here dealing with this fucker!
I know I'm not because my mum has it too, my dr has at least 3 other patients with it - he's told me about them.
I wonder if he'd be willing to give me a contact no. for one of them to see if they can help me..? I know I'm screwed otherwise, if only there were a way of getting help online or over the phone, sadly every resource I've found asks you to make an appointment and I can't get there without help.
I can't go out, I get dizzy, panicky - I'm paranoid as fuck about having a 'turn' when I'm on my own - These days I don't go anywhere alone unless I know I'm being met at the other end.
When we do go out it's always somewhere within easy travelling distance to home.
Anyway, even if I could get there I now can't afford the bus fare.
Perhaps I should just give up, I just don't have the energy for all this, stress makes it worse and with all the shit I have to deal with in the form of Sean, mum and money - quite frankly I'm at breaking point.
Monday, February 14, 2005
What to do?!
I'm really confused right now.
My Dr has just managed to make me all suspicious of Ben (the lovely acupuncturist I've been recieving treatment from) He didn't come right out and say that he thinks he may be conning me, but he danced around the issue enough that it's put all sorts of thoughts in my head.
Now it could just be a western medical practitioners mistrust of an unknown.
Or not...
His main concern was not that I'd taken it upon myself to seek this kind of treatment, but that the practitioner in question has also supplied me with these pills that he has no knowledge of.
As far as he can see I'm ok to continue taking them - he stated that I would be unlikely to recieve anything that could do me harm.
The thing is, I'm skint - totally. Acupuncture costs a fair bit, the pills are doled out in an amount suitable for only 24 days and they cost quite a bit too (considering my financial situation) So even though the last couple of days I've been feeling much better - it could be attributed to any number of things besides the acupuncture and herbal remedies.
A thing he was quick to point out.
And he's right. I've also been taking the Dothiepin for a month now so that should be kicking in which could be what's helping me sleep. My diet has changed, I've been steering clear of caffiene and dairy products, I've been drinking twice as much water as usual and I've been forcing myself to do things instead of just (literally) taking it lying down.
His suggestion is to keep taking the pills as I've paid for them now, continue the treatment if I want to (he has another patient who has acupuncture via the hospital and it apparantly helps her) but if after 4 or 5 treatments I see no real improvement, stop wasting my money and look at other alternatives.
And if these don't work or I don't buy any more when they run out and Ben starts urging me to try alternative herbal supplements, I'm to inform him straight away.
Which sux.
I came out feeling as though I'm really stupid. Like once again I've allowed someone to take advantage of me. It wasn't just what he said, it was the pity and disgust on his face when I started telling him about the acupuncture and pills.
I hate feeling like a complete idiot.
It feels even worse because I like Ben, he's a really nice guy - except now there's a little voice in the back of my head saying "yup all good salesmen are nice guys, even if they don't have a clue what they're talking about"
I can't help thinking of Polly (AKA Pondscum) lovely guy, heart's in the right place - can sell anything to anyone. He used to work in a computer store - knew less about Pc's then me. His sales record was 100% though.
I used to watch him in amazement - he'd be blagging this poor family and even when they brought it back as unsuitable for their needs - they still asked for him and he'd sell them something else! Usually for twice as much as the first thing.
So you can understand why I'm confused - and a little worried.
I don't want this to be a temporary 'fix' I've had one sleepy fit in 3 days - and that's despite cleaning the house from top to bottom, cooking full meals and taking trips into town, something I've had problems doing for months.
But I also don't want to be dependant on tablets or expensive treatment because I really can't afford it.
*sigh*
Feck it - I'd best get this dinner on the go, my beloved is going to be setting off soon and I want everything to be done when he gets here.
Valentines eh?! Whoda thunk it...
My Dr has just managed to make me all suspicious of Ben (the lovely acupuncturist I've been recieving treatment from) He didn't come right out and say that he thinks he may be conning me, but he danced around the issue enough that it's put all sorts of thoughts in my head.
Now it could just be a western medical practitioners mistrust of an unknown.
Or not...
His main concern was not that I'd taken it upon myself to seek this kind of treatment, but that the practitioner in question has also supplied me with these pills that he has no knowledge of.
As far as he can see I'm ok to continue taking them - he stated that I would be unlikely to recieve anything that could do me harm.
The thing is, I'm skint - totally. Acupuncture costs a fair bit, the pills are doled out in an amount suitable for only 24 days and they cost quite a bit too (considering my financial situation) So even though the last couple of days I've been feeling much better - it could be attributed to any number of things besides the acupuncture and herbal remedies.
A thing he was quick to point out.
And he's right. I've also been taking the Dothiepin for a month now so that should be kicking in which could be what's helping me sleep. My diet has changed, I've been steering clear of caffiene and dairy products, I've been drinking twice as much water as usual and I've been forcing myself to do things instead of just (literally) taking it lying down.
His suggestion is to keep taking the pills as I've paid for them now, continue the treatment if I want to (he has another patient who has acupuncture via the hospital and it apparantly helps her) but if after 4 or 5 treatments I see no real improvement, stop wasting my money and look at other alternatives.
And if these don't work or I don't buy any more when they run out and Ben starts urging me to try alternative herbal supplements, I'm to inform him straight away.
Which sux.
I came out feeling as though I'm really stupid. Like once again I've allowed someone to take advantage of me. It wasn't just what he said, it was the pity and disgust on his face when I started telling him about the acupuncture and pills.
I hate feeling like a complete idiot.
It feels even worse because I like Ben, he's a really nice guy - except now there's a little voice in the back of my head saying "yup all good salesmen are nice guys, even if they don't have a clue what they're talking about"
I can't help thinking of Polly (AKA Pondscum) lovely guy, heart's in the right place - can sell anything to anyone. He used to work in a computer store - knew less about Pc's then me. His sales record was 100% though.
I used to watch him in amazement - he'd be blagging this poor family and even when they brought it back as unsuitable for their needs - they still asked for him and he'd sell them something else! Usually for twice as much as the first thing.
So you can understand why I'm confused - and a little worried.
I don't want this to be a temporary 'fix' I've had one sleepy fit in 3 days - and that's despite cleaning the house from top to bottom, cooking full meals and taking trips into town, something I've had problems doing for months.
But I also don't want to be dependant on tablets or expensive treatment because I really can't afford it.
*sigh*
Feck it - I'd best get this dinner on the go, my beloved is going to be setting off soon and I want everything to be done when he gets here.
Valentines eh?! Whoda thunk it...
Friday, February 11, 2005
Doing something positive
After a bit of nagging from a certain someone I can see that I've been going about this sleep thing all wrong.
Since the only thing I have any real control over is the time I set my alarm for in a morning, that's what I'm going to do.
Yesterday I was up and feeding at 7.30 (As both mum, Stef, Claire, Am, Sean etc etc ad nauseum, can vouch - I'm soooooooo not a morning person. This is gonna hurt for a while) today I was up at 8, me no likee.
Ben (acupunture guy) has given me some herbal stuff to take (in addition to the Dothiepin, supplements, painkillers and pill I already take) so in total that's 15 different tablets I take every day plus however many painkillers I need that specific day.
Did I mention I hate taking tablets?
I do feel brighter today though so hopefully that means the acupuncture is taking effect - I guess it's too early to tell in reality, but my fingers are crossed and I'm going to head into town with Sean shortly to get some shopping and go see people.
I've had to make an appointment for monday with the Dr. as my sick note ran out yesterday and I hadn't realised till work called asking for the new one, I also recieved my Incapacity and DLA forms (disability living allowance) and I'm trying to get an appointment with the local rep so she can help me fill it out as it's a bit of a bugger. So while nothing of any real interest is happening to me this week, I'm at least doing something.
Since the only thing I have any real control over is the time I set my alarm for in a morning, that's what I'm going to do.
Yesterday I was up and feeding at 7.30 (As both mum, Stef, Claire, Am, Sean etc etc ad nauseum, can vouch - I'm soooooooo not a morning person. This is gonna hurt for a while) today I was up at 8, me no likee.
Ben (acupunture guy) has given me some herbal stuff to take (in addition to the Dothiepin, supplements, painkillers and pill I already take) so in total that's 15 different tablets I take every day plus however many painkillers I need that specific day.
Did I mention I hate taking tablets?
I do feel brighter today though so hopefully that means the acupuncture is taking effect - I guess it's too early to tell in reality, but my fingers are crossed and I'm going to head into town with Sean shortly to get some shopping and go see people.
I've had to make an appointment for monday with the Dr. as my sick note ran out yesterday and I hadn't realised till work called asking for the new one, I also recieved my Incapacity and DLA forms (disability living allowance) and I'm trying to get an appointment with the local rep so she can help me fill it out as it's a bit of a bugger. So while nothing of any real interest is happening to me this week, I'm at least doing something.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Gah!
I can't think.
I want to blog - I've been sitting here for over 10 minutes staring at the screen, I had a shitload of stuff to rant on - not the least being this BASTARD of a headache that WON'T LEAVE!
Lets just say it's been a bad day.
My mind is all over the place, I've watched the whole of Dark Angel season 2 and most of SG-1 season 3, turned on the tv and watched charmed and Splash! but I'm feeling restless, I'm too whacked to do anything, I hurt and most of all:
I HATE THIS!
I feel like all I've done for the last couple of days is whine about feeling crappy.
I thought acupuncture was supposed to help?!?!
Yes, I feel shitty.
Again.
I need to call J back in a bit since I just ended up crying at her down the phone so now she's going to be all concerned - not my plan at all.
I just can't help it - my little moan the other day must have been prophetic - or maybe I just realised subconsciously that all the signs were in place for a bad 'un.
It doesn't help that it's the hormonal week anyway. Even now - all I'm doing is typing and the tears are starting, my throat is closing up etc etc etc
It doesn't matter how I try and tell myself there's nothing wrong with me, I still cry - this is my 3rd attempt at blogging because I get caught in this fucking CRAP self pitying loop.
This is why I originally had a personal blog - so I could spill this kind of verbal excrement where no-one can see.
But you know what?
I don't care anymore.
I've always - my whole life - managed to handle things by shoving it to the back of my mind, it's like I have a dark room in there where I can pack the bad shit up and chuck it down a very deep well.
Just lately it feels like that well has overflowed and all those little packages are coming undone.
I'm having nightmares about shit that happened years ago. I'm crying about crap my EX said or did and that relationship ended over 3 years ago.
I wish I could just blame PMS, that would make things so much simpler.
Most of all I wish it would just stop.
Roll on tomorrow. It'll be better then.
I want to blog - I've been sitting here for over 10 minutes staring at the screen, I had a shitload of stuff to rant on - not the least being this BASTARD of a headache that WON'T LEAVE!
Lets just say it's been a bad day.
My mind is all over the place, I've watched the whole of Dark Angel season 2 and most of SG-1 season 3, turned on the tv and watched charmed and Splash! but I'm feeling restless, I'm too whacked to do anything, I hurt and most of all:
I HATE THIS!
I feel like all I've done for the last couple of days is whine about feeling crappy.
I thought acupuncture was supposed to help?!?!
Yes, I feel shitty.
Again.
I need to call J back in a bit since I just ended up crying at her down the phone so now she's going to be all concerned - not my plan at all.
I just can't help it - my little moan the other day must have been prophetic - or maybe I just realised subconsciously that all the signs were in place for a bad 'un.
It doesn't help that it's the hormonal week anyway. Even now - all I'm doing is typing and the tears are starting, my throat is closing up etc etc etc
It doesn't matter how I try and tell myself there's nothing wrong with me, I still cry - this is my 3rd attempt at blogging because I get caught in this fucking CRAP self pitying loop.
This is why I originally had a personal blog - so I could spill this kind of verbal excrement where no-one can see.
But you know what?
I don't care anymore.
I've always - my whole life - managed to handle things by shoving it to the back of my mind, it's like I have a dark room in there where I can pack the bad shit up and chuck it down a very deep well.
Just lately it feels like that well has overflowed and all those little packages are coming undone.
I'm having nightmares about shit that happened years ago. I'm crying about crap my EX said or did and that relationship ended over 3 years ago.
I wish I could just blame PMS, that would make things so much simpler.
Most of all I wish it would just stop.
Roll on tomorrow. It'll be better then.
Friday, February 04, 2005
My first acupuncture appointment
Having M.E. sucks great big hairy donkey bollocks!
I do make a conscious effort not to moan about it in general - to anyone. If I'm honest I try really hard not to even think about it.
But I've had a long chat about it today and so many things are buzzing around in my mind I need to put it down somewhere, I've kinda lost track of my blog being that place the last few days - weeks even, I get so engrossed in the lives of others that I've not had to really think about mine, except in a general way.
So today, this is all about me.
I always write on the fly so I hope it doesn't turn too maudlin even if it is a whinge, but this is in lieu of someone being here to talk with about it all.
I can't talk to anyone about it really, I get too upset and give up trying to explain myself - even when I think its important.
Basically this thing has taken over my life. I've gone from being the kind of person who's always on the go and never stops, to being the kind of person who never even gets close to starting.
To be honest I've gotten to the stage of not wanting to do things because I'm afraid of setting it off.
If I have a bad day - it's a really bad day, by not exerting myself in any way I can avoid bad days.
If I feel even the slightest bit tired, I'll just stay sat on my arse doing nothing - not even the dishes. And I hate it. I hate this weak whingy little piece of useless nothing I'm turning into.
It's frustrating, depressing and at times feels completely hopeless - it's even worse after a couple of good days, when I feel positive and do things normally without even thinking about it, if I have a bad day then it sets me right back for weeks mentally.
I don't like to go out alone anymore, it's not so bad going to a place where I'm meeting up with people, but I won't go to town alone. I can't stand crowds anymore, they stress me out - I used to work as a bouncer in a nightclub environment ffs, crowds never bothered me in the slightest...
This whole thing... It's just rotten, I feel like a complete hypochondriac everytime I mention something aching or such and such a thing isn't 'right' because just lately that's everything. I try and act 'normal' but I hurt all over pretty much constantly - it's usually just a dull ache, a nagging pain that I can put to the back of my mind and 'ignore' but sometimes it flares up in 1 or 2 places, on a bad day it flares up everywhere.
When I'm talking to people it's like there's a slight fog between me and them, I get what they're saying and I can act like a rational person, but I'm not 'myself', I know it - but very few people I hang with these days have known me long enough to see the difference.
On a bad day I couldn't hold a conversation with a goldfish.
Aminatta noticed straight away, but she's known me longer than anyone. ugh... The tales that girl could tell...
Basically, it's a memory thing more than anything else, it plays tricks on me - only little things, but they mount up. For example, I'll go to do something like put the dishes away - then instead, stand there staring at them wondering what it was I intended to do.
It's all stupid petty little things like that but it's in every aspect of my life and they're whittling away at my self-confidence, my ability to be me and just get on with things.
Stef actually said the other day that I shouldn't stop doing things because of this, I should do them anyway and if I have a 'sleepy fit' just go with it.
I'd like to do that, I really would.
But I have a real mental block - I'm almost terrified of bringing one on - it's stupid, I agree with what he said 100% but I can't seem to put it into practice. Instead I just shy away from doing anything - including housework, and then hate myself for being a 'lazy cow'.
I'm just glad he's here to push me and 'bully' me into doing constructive stuff, I may complain and act all hard done by - but I do appreciate the fact that he cares enough to do it.
Talking to Ben (the acupuncture guy) today has helped a bit. I feel a little more positive, I don't know if it's because of the session or because I'm finally doing something constructive myself to combat this - either way it's a good thing.
He seems to think I could have had this longer than the 6 months I've been off work with it, my history of giving up on things is an indication apparently, I've always gone through 'phases' of feeling fed up and tired and it takes me forever to shake off an illness.
At those points I've usually just got a new job or left my course or moved house - this time my physical situation became so bad I needed to seek medical help instead of just blaming it on whatever stresses were in my life at the time and trying to change them.
I'm inclined to agree when looking at it from that perspective, makes me sound better anyhow lol
I think if I can do something to remedy my horrendous financial situation I'll feel even more positive - it's just whenever I start talking about this to anyone I can't help thinking about how it's fucked everything up for me and I get all stressed out and depressed.
I had a large sum in savings and was looking forward to finally buying a place of my own that no bastard ex could take off me, I had a pretty good income, no overdraft and the only debt was one loan - of under £1000.
Now, within just 6 months, I have NO savings and I'm constantly worried I'm going to go past my overdraft limit of £1000 through the financial commitments I made within my previous income - this was especially true when I was trying to sort out housing benefit and the landlord put the rent up... It just sux.
Basically, I came out of the clinic feeling positive and slightly more awake than when I'd gone in, after the horrendous journey home (Swinton to Newton Heath is a pisser of a journey on public transport) I felt like a wrung out dishcloth and more depressed than ever because my house is a shit tip.
I'm now going to have a Dark angel and SG-1 marathon followed by a hot bath and a decent tea.
That should kick the self-pity back into touch, I may even attempt to do some cleaning then - but I doubt it.
Maybe tomorrow...
I do make a conscious effort not to moan about it in general - to anyone. If I'm honest I try really hard not to even think about it.
But I've had a long chat about it today and so many things are buzzing around in my mind I need to put it down somewhere, I've kinda lost track of my blog being that place the last few days - weeks even, I get so engrossed in the lives of others that I've not had to really think about mine, except in a general way.
So today, this is all about me.
I always write on the fly so I hope it doesn't turn too maudlin even if it is a whinge, but this is in lieu of someone being here to talk with about it all.
I can't talk to anyone about it really, I get too upset and give up trying to explain myself - even when I think its important.
Basically this thing has taken over my life. I've gone from being the kind of person who's always on the go and never stops, to being the kind of person who never even gets close to starting.
To be honest I've gotten to the stage of not wanting to do things because I'm afraid of setting it off.
If I have a bad day - it's a really bad day, by not exerting myself in any way I can avoid bad days.
If I feel even the slightest bit tired, I'll just stay sat on my arse doing nothing - not even the dishes. And I hate it. I hate this weak whingy little piece of useless nothing I'm turning into.
It's frustrating, depressing and at times feels completely hopeless - it's even worse after a couple of good days, when I feel positive and do things normally without even thinking about it, if I have a bad day then it sets me right back for weeks mentally.
I don't like to go out alone anymore, it's not so bad going to a place where I'm meeting up with people, but I won't go to town alone. I can't stand crowds anymore, they stress me out - I used to work as a bouncer in a nightclub environment ffs, crowds never bothered me in the slightest...
This whole thing... It's just rotten, I feel like a complete hypochondriac everytime I mention something aching or such and such a thing isn't 'right' because just lately that's everything. I try and act 'normal' but I hurt all over pretty much constantly - it's usually just a dull ache, a nagging pain that I can put to the back of my mind and 'ignore' but sometimes it flares up in 1 or 2 places, on a bad day it flares up everywhere.
When I'm talking to people it's like there's a slight fog between me and them, I get what they're saying and I can act like a rational person, but I'm not 'myself', I know it - but very few people I hang with these days have known me long enough to see the difference.
On a bad day I couldn't hold a conversation with a goldfish.
Aminatta noticed straight away, but she's known me longer than anyone. ugh... The tales that girl could tell...
Basically, it's a memory thing more than anything else, it plays tricks on me - only little things, but they mount up. For example, I'll go to do something like put the dishes away - then instead, stand there staring at them wondering what it was I intended to do.
It's all stupid petty little things like that but it's in every aspect of my life and they're whittling away at my self-confidence, my ability to be me and just get on with things.
Stef actually said the other day that I shouldn't stop doing things because of this, I should do them anyway and if I have a 'sleepy fit' just go with it.
I'd like to do that, I really would.
But I have a real mental block - I'm almost terrified of bringing one on - it's stupid, I agree with what he said 100% but I can't seem to put it into practice. Instead I just shy away from doing anything - including housework, and then hate myself for being a 'lazy cow'.
I'm just glad he's here to push me and 'bully' me into doing constructive stuff, I may complain and act all hard done by - but I do appreciate the fact that he cares enough to do it.
Talking to Ben (the acupuncture guy) today has helped a bit. I feel a little more positive, I don't know if it's because of the session or because I'm finally doing something constructive myself to combat this - either way it's a good thing.
He seems to think I could have had this longer than the 6 months I've been off work with it, my history of giving up on things is an indication apparently, I've always gone through 'phases' of feeling fed up and tired and it takes me forever to shake off an illness.
At those points I've usually just got a new job or left my course or moved house - this time my physical situation became so bad I needed to seek medical help instead of just blaming it on whatever stresses were in my life at the time and trying to change them.
I'm inclined to agree when looking at it from that perspective, makes me sound better anyhow lol
I think if I can do something to remedy my horrendous financial situation I'll feel even more positive - it's just whenever I start talking about this to anyone I can't help thinking about how it's fucked everything up for me and I get all stressed out and depressed.
I had a large sum in savings and was looking forward to finally buying a place of my own that no bastard ex could take off me, I had a pretty good income, no overdraft and the only debt was one loan - of under £1000.
Now, within just 6 months, I have NO savings and I'm constantly worried I'm going to go past my overdraft limit of £1000 through the financial commitments I made within my previous income - this was especially true when I was trying to sort out housing benefit and the landlord put the rent up... It just sux.
Basically, I came out of the clinic feeling positive and slightly more awake than when I'd gone in, after the horrendous journey home (Swinton to Newton Heath is a pisser of a journey on public transport) I felt like a wrung out dishcloth and more depressed than ever because my house is a shit tip.
I'm now going to have a Dark angel and SG-1 marathon followed by a hot bath and a decent tea.
That should kick the self-pity back into touch, I may even attempt to do some cleaning then - but I doubt it.
Maybe tomorrow...
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Dothiepin
I've started my new tablets. Unfortunately it seems I'm going to need to find another way of trying to sleep at night because on first test, they don't do shit for me. After lying staring at the ceiling in the dark concentrating on my breathing, re-arranging the pillows, my sleeping position... Well, after checking the clock and seeing this had been going on for 3 hours I got up.
Still can't concentrate online though so I'm for the Tv.
Still can't concentrate online though so I'm for the Tv.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Bed, Again...
Right, I'm for bed again - I don't know if its a new twist to my being ill, since that damned cold I've been bad again *sigh* though it could be that my monitor is on its way out (good job I have a spare) either way, I can't stay online too long the screen makes me feel nauseous and dizzy and I get headaches - Boo *sniff* means I'm not using messenger either at present so now I have no contact with the outside world, just as well I'm too tired to really care.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Fecked
I'm supposed to be finishing cleaning my house today but I can't settle on anything - I started washing the pots and ended up taking the wheely bin out instead(?) Then I went into the front room to sort the sofa out but moved the chairs from the kitchen to under the stairs instead so I could sweep the kitchen floor, instead of which I took my trainers upstairs and hung my coats up.
Still, at least I'm getting little bits done I guess. My mind is all over the place today and I'm feeling really tired again but I'm forcing myself to keep going.
Ugh, I'm going for another brainless wander around the house, I just can't sit still... I'm so tired! Why can't I settle? This is doing my nut in!
Still, at least I'm getting little bits done I guess. My mind is all over the place today and I'm feeling really tired again but I'm forcing myself to keep going.
Ugh, I'm going for another brainless wander around the house, I just can't sit still... I'm so tired! Why can't I settle? This is doing my nut in!
Sunday, January 02, 2005
New years day
Woke up aching like a fecker, been totally brain fogged all day with no clue what I'm doing from minute to minute. I've ran the bath twice, moved little bits from one side of my room to the other and back again, watched some crap on the tv and had a sleepy fit.
At some point I will make something proper to eat as I'm guessing that may be a contributing factor to my ditzyness, I'm thinking J may like to feed soon also - you never know lol
As soon as I get a spark of concentration going I shall whip up a feast (ok, it'll be a chuckit - tasty though) in the meantime I shall continue to wander around the house aimlessly listening to the baby monsoon outside.
At some point I will make something proper to eat as I'm guessing that may be a contributing factor to my ditzyness, I'm thinking J may like to feed soon also - you never know lol
As soon as I get a spark of concentration going I shall whip up a feast (ok, it'll be a chuckit - tasty though) in the meantime I shall continue to wander around the house aimlessly listening to the baby monsoon outside.
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