Saturday, March 12, 2005

Comic Relief

The good news is that today I've finally recieved the written confirmation I need from Barclays to put forward my claim for incapacity, sadly it's about 3 weeks later than I needed but fingers crossed it all gets sorted before mums wedding at the end of April.
If it does then I can still go to Spain to see Trish and Angie for my birthday and just take a break from everything.
I need a break - for real.

It's all just getting to me so much, I nearly broke up with Stef on Tuesday.
It was like the icing on the cake, I'd told him all the crap I've been getting from mum and Sean, I'd filled him in on the money situation - not much of a response...
All I really wanted was a hug and a sincere "Don't worry, it'll get sorted"

Fair enough, things do sound less stressfull and fairly petty when I try and verbally explain what's bothering me, but then he started bitching at me to do this that and the other - no sympathy no empathy - just orders.
I know he's the kind of person who expects action not whinging, I'm pretty much the same - but at least I know that sometimes people need to get things off their chest! If you are offering suggestions then at least make it sound like suggestions instead of laying down the law - and a hug is always a good thing.

It started when I was trying to fill in the benefit claim forms, he got very terse with me so I told him to stop shouting at me. He then went into the kitchen and left me to it.
We were getting ready to leave the house when I tried explaining how this illness makes me feel - how I hate it and that all this stress just makes it worse - he told me to shut up, apparantly it gets very boring listening to someone whinge all the time.

Excuse me?!
Thanks for the support and understanding there. Nice to know I'm not all alone with this. Half of the reason I'd started my explanation is because I feel as though he thinks I'm making most of it up - I just wanted a little reassurance from him.

I think that's the root of a lot of my insecurities with this - I feel like a hypochondriac so how can I expect other people not to see me in that light?
It's awful, I'm lucky in that I can still do some things - I've read and heard about people that can't get out of bed at all because of this. But because I can do some things, I look 'normal' to people, how do you explain to them how it feels? The sheer effort involved in doing those things - mentally as well as physically.

Every day you wake up and mentally push at the fog around you - testing the boundaries to see if you can get up and do something constructive today - you know it's not happening if you don't even have the 'energy' to do that.
Your limbs are too heavey to move and it's like you don't care, everything is just too hard and so what.

But that kind of explanation just gets a response of "So? I have days like that, you just get on with it and stop being so lazy - fight it"

If only it were that simple - it's not. I can't explain it for my own satisfaction - how the hell can I explain it to other people? The lack of decent information on this illness just makes everything that much harder - especially if you can't stay concentrated on the task long enough to do any in depth research on it.

Ah well...

I forgot that I recieved a letter from the physio department of my hospital last week, I need to call them on monday.
They want me to take part in "a research study investigating what factors contribute to an individual's level of chronic fatigue and/ or pain."
Hopefully this means I'm about to start some form of treatment - fingers crossed it works.
I've had to stop taking the pills as I can't afford any more at present, on the plus side at least now I'll know if they've been having any kind of effect...

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